Honestly, do you take a second look at that attractive lady or gentleman who passed you on the street? Or the one pumping iron at the gym, how do you find him? Does being married necessarily mean your eyes build blinders to attractive people? Is looking and admiring others who aren’t your significant other a natural thing? Should we let the mistakes the people we love make slide?
What is your deal breaker in a relationship? – DBM
RSO: Hello David. My name is RSO. I am from Nigeria.
David Bondze (DB): Hello Nigeria!
RSO: Hello Ghana.
DB: How are you doing?
RSO: Managing. How are you?
DB: I am doing alright, thanks for asking.
DB: What’s going through your mind right now?
RSO: I’m supposed to be getting married in a few months. I love him.
DB: Marriage to the right person is a good thing.
RSO: I’ve heard that too, however, I do not know whether or not I am making the right choice. How do I know I am marrying ‘the right person’?
RSO: He’s fits my ‘ideal’ man for a husband. My dad was my mother’s ‘ideal’, but my dad messed up big time. He cheated on my mother many times, left her emotionally damaged and broken. The same man she could swear ‘heaven and earth’ had the best of character. The same man who made everyone believe my mother was his ‘soulmate’ and best friend, separated from my mother to enjoy his freedom out there.
DB: I can understand your worries.
RSO: I trust my fiancé. But Dave, I fear for the unknown. What if the man I am in love with today, changes tomorrow in our marriage?
DB: Anybody can change. Change is a choice.
RSO: My deal breaker is a cheating and a lying spouse. I would rather not enter into the marriage at all, than to divorce later.
DB: Has he given you any reason to doubt him?
RSO: Not really, but my spirit isn’t aligning to trusting him wholly.
DB: Does he trust you?
RSO: I’d want to believe so.
RSO: I have three sisters, two are married. And the advice my mother gave them before their wedding days was, ‘walk away from him the day you find out he’s been unfaithful to you. Divorce him for your peace of mind’ and she told them this in the presence of their husbands. We are to forgive them when they cheat, but not stay in the marriage. Because according to my mother, they will continue cheating and lying to cover up.
DB: That’s your mother’s theory. Some men do change for the better after erring. Everybody deserves a second chance, you know?
RSO: I know. I’m just not in the right state of mind.
DB: Are you being forced into settling down in a marriage?
DB: How old are you?
DB: How old is your man?
DB: And, for how long have you known him?
RSO: We’ve dated for three years.
DB: Marriage is not a race. If you’re still not sure about him, postpone the wedding date. If he’s yours to keep he will understand you.
RSO: Why am I feeling this way, three months to my wedding?
DB: What’s your relationship with your in-laws to be?
RSO: We are trying to click, why?
DB: If you are close to his mother, ask her about how her son’s father treated her in their marriage. Kids see a lot, even at a younger age. If their father was faithful, and made their mother happy, she would be honest about it to you.
RSO: What I know is, their father was a drunk. My fiancé told me.
DB: Does he drink also?
RSO: Yes. He says he uses alcohol to caress the craziness in his head whenever he is stressed.
DB: You just got your first cue. Ask his sisters or mother about how their father treated their mother. These character traits are inherited. Kids may try their best not to be anything like their parents, but a boy child always grows into his father’s exact or exaggerated image.
RSO: He has his dad’s sense of humor also.
DB: Let me share what a smart young mother once told me: she entered into her marriage knowing very well how much she loved and respected her husband. However, also on her mind was her decision to want to enter into the union with the assumption of being alone in it. She’s not dependent on her husband though she’s there for him and his every need. She’s taking very good care of herself and her kids. Her husband is taking responsibility of/for the kids, while she’s there for her children, with or without his support.
RSO: She’s strong.
DB: Yeah! She’s in love with her husband alright, but she doesn’t care if he leaves her to be with other women. She’s alone in it in her mind, remember?
RSO: I’m getting your point.
DB: So, in other words, his presence or absence in her life doesn’t change a thing about her. She’s independent and secure enough to strive for herself and her kids. She’s not given up on her dreams in life because of a man or marriage. She’s not given up on herself because her husband makes her want to, no! She’s building on herself so well, she’s always in her element. Always in a good cheer and spirit. She doesn’t need a man to feel complete. She’s fulfilling her purpose in life, all by herself. And she’s excited about it, every day.
RSO: I don’t think I am that strong willed.
DB: Then you don’t know your own strength. Every woman is more than enough. You are stronger than you think.
RSO: Hmmm! I have tears in my eyes. I’m just not ready to be heartbroken.
DB: I do understand how you feel. There is nothing wrong with doubting every now and then. But eventually, you will find a way to live with it. There will be disappointments, nightmares, and every day when you wake up, it will be the first thing you think about, until one day, it will be the second thing.
RSO: I love him dearly.
DB: And that’s a good start. Do what your heart says and it will never lead you wrong.
RSO: I need to be wrong about him then?
DB: He’s human. You need to always remember that. He’s not going to be perfect all the time. You are not perfect.
RSO: No, I am not. But I will never cheat on him.
DB: That’s good to know.
RSO: You have almost 30, 000 followers. Can you find out for me how many of the guys are married?
DB: There should be more than 1,000 married men following me at least.
RSO: So, can you get at least, 1,000 openly stating they’ve never cheated on their wives before? I just need motivation to go ahead without any shred of doubt.
DB: You will not get even 100. Let’s be practical and look for just 50 faithful men, okay?
RSO: Oh, David, this is disheartening. You are not serious, are you?
DB: Truth is, guys are enthused sexually by what we see. The average guy enjoys looking and loving what he sees. That’s why as a woman, and most importantly, his wife, you need not to let your appearance go. You need to look beautiful and attractive, always in his eyes.
RSO: Else what?
DB: Else he will not be stirred to look at you often to desire you. You don’t want that to happen to you. I have many male friends who confide in me. Though their reasons for cheating on their wives isn’t good enough, it’s good enough to learn something from.
RSO: Smh! You guys are so selfish and inconsiderate.
DB: I know. That’s why I am hoping you would make a conscious effort to remain physically attractive for him, but most importantly, for you.
RSO: There are ladies out there who are more beautiful than I am. What’s the guarantee a man will be content with what he has alone?
DB: There are no guarantees.
RSO: What’s the need for effort then?
DB: I told you about my friend’s policy, she does things to please herself, with or without her husband’s appreciation, and she’s happy like that. You don’t have to be an astounding beauty. Just do your best with who and what you have; make the most of you and achieve a spectacular appearance.
DB: An attractive woman is not born into attractiveness. She makes herself look attractive.
DB: Yeah! When a woman looks better, she feels better.
RSO: Of course.
DB: Give you and the relationship your best. That’s the best you can do. Show thankfulness for any and everything he has a part in providing, including sex in the marriage. Let him feel good about his efforts.
RSO: Sex with him is not good. He doesn’t take his time to make love with me.
DB: Oh, no!
RSO: Dave, that’s the truth. He’s boring in bed. He only loves to penetrate and pound. He doesn’t explore. He doesn’t speak the same language in bed with my body. He doesn’t know what makes me wet. He doesn’t know how to tease me to orgasm.
DB: Teach him?
RSO: Smh! I’ve indirectly led him during sex to touch me right, but it’s always what he wants. He’s that bad in bed, yet he won’t shut up too.
DB: Most men mask their feeling of scantiness in bed by boasting about being ‘good’ at it with others, thus, their reasons to cheat – to make a point.
RSO: Do you think I have to address the sex issue before I make the final decision to marry him?
DB: You’ve already set your wedding date. Sex is important, though not everything in marriage. If it’s important to you, make it a topic for discussion. Help him in his shortcomings and you will become the most important person in the world to him.
RSO: But should I find out he is cheating on me after we get married, it will be okay to walk out of the marriage, right?
DB: Oh, yes! It’s your choice to want in or out of anything.
DB: There are only two things I know guys can’t do. We cannot physically give birth and we cannot breast-feed. Everything else we can do and do well, including being faithful to just one partner. So if a man chooses to be unfaithful in his commitment, it’s your choice to equally opt for better – if you think you deserve better.
RSO: I love you, Dave.
DB: Hehehehe! Medaase (meaning, thank you)
RSO: You make me believe there are good and faithful men out there.
DB: There really are.
RSO: I deserve better.
DB: So give him the chance to be better. Until he messes up, let him prove himself worth your trust. Life is too short to be overly worried about the unknown.