Do you know what your significant other is thinking? How about the other way round: that feeling of not knowing what your partner could be thinking about? I know it’s impossible to know exactly what the other person is thinking without them telling you, but could one rely on the restrained signs an uninterested spouse may directly or indirectly, exhibit in the relationship? – DBM
VT: Hello David.
David Bondze (DB): Hey! How are you?
VT: I think I might be committing adultery.
DB: It’s your choice, you know?
VT: I know, but I don’t know what to do.
DB: Does your husband deserve this kind of betrayal?
VT: Nobody deserves to be betrayed.
DB: Exactly! But we all err every now and then.
VT: I might be in love with this other guy. He is married, but the chemistry between us can be so intense, we both get confused.
DB: What kind of chemistry?
VT: The love and sex kind.
DB: Have you two done it already?
VT: No. But we are kind of planning it already. It’s been over two months since we started talking sex.
DB: How long have you two been chatting?
VT: For a year and some months.
DB: Have you met him?
VT: We’ve gone on dates and all.
DB: How long have you been married?
VT: 21 years.
VT: I know.
DB: Are you happy in your marriage?
VT: I’d want to believe so. My husband takes very good care of me and the kids. We are happy, I think.
DB: If I’m genuinely happy with someone, I don’t see nor entertain anyone else’s version of love in my life. I tend to be so content and grateful – with just that one. Have you experienced that kind of happiness before?
DB: And, when was that?
VT: When I first married.
VT: But I’ve not felt that way in a very long time.
DB: How long a time are we talking about?
VT: 19/20 years.
DB: So, you felt that genuine happiness for just a year?
VT: Or two.
DB: What changed?
VT: I don’t know, Dave. Maybe, I didn’t truly love him as I thought I did. Maybe, I did love him but have grown out of it.
VT: It’s not easy, Dave. I’m trying so hard not to mess up but it seems like the more I try, the harder it becomes for me.
DB: It’s difficult to sometimes maintain the intensity of this whole romantic ecstasy feelings.
VT: I was really and truly in love with my husband. I agreed to marry him because the love was that strong.
DB: I was employed part-time some years ago, to be teaching the wife of a certain preacher in Accra, English language. The first few months started off so well. She would tell me so much about her family, especially, her husband. How they met, why she settled down in a marriage with him, their journey thus far, and everything else in-between.
VT: Love is a good thing.
DB: Indeed! Until she started calling my phone and texting me at odd hours. Initially, I thought it was normal, maybe, a friendship to be kept sort of. It all started innocently, inviting me to her Church and all, sometimes, even preaching to me before classes started. Introducing me to some of her friends at her Church, and then, finally, getting her husband to remember my name and why he had to know she liked me as her friend and teacher.
DB: And then she started ending her phone calls to me with, “You know I love you, right?” Then to, “I love you. I care about you very much” etc.
VT: The pastor’s wife?
DB: Well, she’s human. It took her and her husband for me to finally begin to see all these ‘Men of God’ as humans after all.
VT: It could have been a plutonic love. Nothing intimate intended.
DB: I was assuming that, but then she moved a step further. She would send me photos of herself in bed, with her breasts above the coversheet. Sometimes, taking shots with her lips, kind of tweaking or throwing a kiss at me. She made her child or husband, whoever, take pictures of her in a tight, sexy swimming suits, showing a lot of Ass and uncovered body contours and would send them to my phone in the evenings or at dawn.
DB: I didn’t know her intentions then, but I was thinking she wanted to leave a lot to my imagination. Any time she sent me those suggestive images of herself, I made it a point not to discuss it in our class sessions, or even compliment her with a response.
DB: She could call me from 8:30 or 9:00 PM, and talk till 2:00 AM.
VT: Huh? Where was her husband?
DB: And that was just a norm whenever her husband traveled to preach. I tolerated it for a while until I wasn’t interested in long talks anymore. I stopped answering her phone calls, and she started complaining about it to me and making me feel like I was being unfair to her.
VT: I also enjoy taking to this other man so much. Whenever I hear his voice at the other end of the phone, my heart beats so beautifully. His texts are always expected. Sometimes, I get a phone call or text, and I would rush happily to the phone – only to realize it was my husband, and I would be disappointed it wasn’t from the other one.
DB: I can understand.
VT: You do?
DB: I do.
VT: Did you also have feelings for the pastor’s wife?
DB: My love is not for married women.
DB: She was my student. I don’t engage in that kind of relationship with people I am supposed to relate to professionally. Secondly, she wasn’t my type.
VT: She wasn’t ugly, was she?
DB: Which preacher would marry an unpleasant woman? She is a nice lady. She looks good on herself, pretty, fashionable too. She would be every man’s taste.
VT: But not yours?
DB: Not mine. I started feeling sorry for her husband actually, because he seemed to have solutions for everybody’s love problems, counseled couples and married couples and preached about love, his love for his wife and all. Everybody at his Church look up to him.
VT: Except his wife.
DB: I quit teaching her to help her save her marriage.
VT: Just like that?
DB: Just like that!
VT: You did not tell her husband?
DB: It wasn’t in my place to. It’s her marriage, not mine.
VT: She would fall for the next available man who wouldn’t mind pursuing her interests.
DB: That’s none of my business. You need to figure out what that empty void in your marriage to your husband is – that you’re willing to encourage this other man to fill with his advances towards you.
VT: You think there is a void? Because I am very happily married. He meets my every need. I live comfortably. My children have a secure future. I have everything I ever dreamed of and more.
DB: So, why is another man in the picture?
VT: That’s what I am trying to figure out with you. Would it be wrong on my part to say that, I sometimes don’t think about my husband when we are apart?
DB: When do you think of him?
VT: When he is home with me or is showing me love and kindness.
DB: Conditional love. That’s also understandable.
VT: Am I that horrible?
DB: Horrible is assuming you might be happier being involved with that other guy and imagining him being happy with you also. Your marriage is in trouble.
VT: I don’t know.
DB: Talk to your husband.
VT: About what?
DB: The ‘I don’t know’.
VT: How can I talk to my husband about an emptiness I am not sure even exists?
DB: You are unhappy with something. Put a name to it and address it with your husband.
VT: It’s fine.
DB: What is fine?
VT: It’s fine. Don’t worry Dave. It’s fine. I will be fine. I’m sorry for bothering you.
DB: The many times I’ve ever said ‘It’s fine’ to someone I cared about, it really wasn’t fine in my reality.
VT: My reality is fine. Thank you.