The strength of man

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”  ― Thomas Merton


PO: Hello Dave.

David Bondze (DB): Hello!

PO: Can we chat?

DB: Yes please.

PO: I’m about to marry a very beautiful lady I love. But I’m almost beginning to change my mind.

DB: Why?

PO: I don’t know why. I think I am not sure to what extent I can trust her.

DB: Are you doubting whether or not you can get into a lifelong commitment with her or you do not trust her?

PO: Dave, I do not trust her.

DB: When are you supposed to be married?

PO: In less than five months.

DB: She’s planning the wedding by now, you know?

PO: I know.

DB: Hmmm!

PO: I think she’s hiding something from me.

DB: What?

PO: I don’t know what but she’s keeping a secret from me.

DB: How do you know?

PO: I know.

DB: Okay!

PO: She’s lately tighter than my first girlfriend.

DB: Tell me about your first girlfriend.

PO: She was a virgin.

DB: Silly man!

PO: It’s a concern for me. I don’t know why she feels the need to tighten the place for me, if I’m the only man using it.

DB: And thus, your reason for not trusting her?

PO: There is something else.

DB: What?

PO: I know she’s a nurse. I actually met her for the first time after she had closed from work. I gave her a free ride, and that was how we became friends. She lives about 15 minutes’ drive from me. So, I sometimes drive her to work.

DB: Okay?

PO: I have never seen her in uniform. She’s always carrying it in the hand to change at work. That was what I believed she was doing. She’s friends with a lot of the nurses at work, and would chat with them whenever I dropped her before leaving for work. I have watched her enter the hospital many times.

DB: Has she told you she’s a nurse?

PO: Not really, but she’s made me buy into the assumption of it.

DB: You have chosen to believe she is. Until you ask her for confirmation, it’s your mistake if she’s not.

PO: I don’t think she is.

DB: What is making you think that?

PO: I wanted to surprise her three months ago, at work, and she wasn’t there. I asked a few of the nurses and they hadn’t heard of her name before. She wasn’t their colleague at work. I saw one nurse I had seen her chat with, and she also confirmed my lady did not work there.

DB: Really?

PO: Yes. I was told she always dropped a friend’s uniform, and would use the other entrance to go to work.

DB: So, where does she really work?

PO: I do not know. But she earns a lot to live comfortably.

DB: What do you really know about the woman you’re about marrying?

PO: Hmmm!

DB: Just ask her what she does for a living.

PO: I feel stupid, Dave. My folks already address her as ‘Maame Nurse’.

DB: Because you told them she’s a nurse.

PO: Yes, and she responds to my parents when they call her that.

DB: Does she lack integrity in your dating/courtship?

PO: Why are you asking?

DB: Because there would be that good chance she would lack integrity while married.

PO: I don’t have an answer to that.

DB: The fact that you both would wear expensive clothes, say a vow, exchange rings, be prayed for, and be happy on your wedding day does not guarantee a thing.

PO: I am pained because I am in love with her.

DB: I can understand. It’s never too late to talk to/with her.

PO: And what if she is not a nurse?

DB: If she’s not a nurse, she’d have to be working in a different field. And you will get to know.

PO: Hmmm.

DB: For me, marriage should be between two people with enough character and mutual trust.

PO: Trusting her is my problem now.

DB: So talk to her about it. But reality is this. If someone in love with you is unable to open up or share certain information about themselves, then something may be wrong with the trust between you two.

PO: She probably does not also trust me?

DB: I’m just saying.

PO: There are a lot of things about me I can’t tell her.

DB: Why is that?

PO: I don’t want to scare her.

DB: How damaging are those secrets?

PO: I am not a ‘one woman’ man.

DB: What are you?

PO: I want to be shared.

DB: By how many people?

PO: At least, two.

DB: I see. And, you will be content with two?

PO: I think so.

DB: I see.

PO: That’s why I want to marry the one I am in love with, and then keep the other one.

DB: What do you feel for the other one?

PO: Care. I care about her.

DB: Okay!

PO: I want to have children with a wife, and enjoy freaky sex with the other.

DB: Okay!

PO: Why are you Okaying everything I am saying now? You bash men usually on this.

DB: People change.

PO: You don’t change.

DB: I have changed.

PO: Dave, just tell me what you really want to tell me.

DB: I am an advocate for sharing all with the one you are in love with.

PO: But I can’t tell her this and expect her to go on with the marriage plans.

DB: If I trust you enough to fall in love with you, I will allow myself to be that vulnerable around you. I will let you in with the good and bad stuff about me.

PO: And then what?

DB: And then believe you will do me no harm with all that you will know about me.

PO: Hmmm.

DB: That’s basically the strength of a man or woman. To be able to take care of my crap. It takes strength.

PO: What if I tell her and she’s no longer interested? What if I find out about something I do not like about her – after the talk, and I am still unsure about marrying her?

DB: Then you free yourself. You cannot change anyone’s way of thinking if they are uncomfortable with the idea of you.

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