She’s fallen deeply in love with his character, his unique looks, his sense of humor, wit, maturity level and the friendship they share. Something is right about him, and the physical attraction and chemistry between them is that intense. He’s never rushed her into sex. He’s made her feel searched out – because he’s really shown interest in knowing everything about her. He’s been hinting a husband and wife scenario, trying to pick her mind on what her wishes about marriage and parenthood are. Only thing is, he is married to another woman.
Following is our chat:
YE: David, I have a problem with you and your opinions sometimes.
David Bondze (DB): Oh, saaa? Anyways, Happy New Year.
YE: Happy New Year. How are you?
DB: I’m doing alright, thanks. How are you?
YE: I’m fine.
DB: Great! So, tell me, what did I do wrong?
YE: I don’t even know how to say this. Why are you always of the view that, a married man, having an affair – is always wrong?
DB: I’ve never said that.
YE: But you project that all the time in your chats.
YE: And I think it’s not fair.
YE: Yes. It’s not easy for a lot of these men.
DB: How do you know?
YE: I am in a relationship with one.
DB: A married man?
DB: Okay! You’re a very beautiful woman. I’m looking through your pictures right now. Damn, you are pretty!
YE: Thank you.
DB: And, no single man is coming your way?
YE: Another problem I have with you.
DB: What did I do this time?
YE: Because I am seeing a married man, you have concluded there are no single men coming my way.
DB: It was just a question.
YE: But the wrong question.
DB: Why are you pursuing a married man?
YE: Good question.
YE: He’s my soulmate.
DB: What does that even mean?
YE: I also don’t know, but I know he’s the one.
YE: I love him.
DB: He’s married.
YE: I know.
DB: Why do you like him?
YE: His humor is to die for. He is very honest.
DB: How so?
YE: He told me point blank, that he was married, with kids – the day he visited my office to propose an investment policy. He told me I was very attractive, and that, he would want to take me out for lunch.
DB: To talk business?
YE: No. To get to know me. I wasn’t interested when I realized he was flirting with me in the office. But his humor got the better part of me. We did not thoroughly exhaust the moment because I felt it wasn’t appropriate. I did business with his firm and the rest just happened.
DB: I’ve seen such before. Like the two jagged edged puzzle pieces trying to clunk into place. In the initial stages, it may seem like the two does not fit together. But after a little turning and meandering and flicking of the pieces around, you identify the perfect clicking point.
YE: He’s the right man for me.
DB: How old are you?
DB: What do you do for a living?
YE: I am an architect.
DB: You have a good job.
YE: A great paying job. I depend so much on me, and even take care of others.
DB: So, you are not with him because he takes care of you?
YE: I don’t need that. His money is for him, and his family.
DB: I see.
YE: That was how we met. I was dating a single man then. He loved me, and I thought I did too, until I met my current guy. We have a real thing going on between us and I had to make the choice to letting one man go.
DB: Don’t you want a man of your own? Someone who has eyes and attention for only you, and would want to start a family with you?
YE: I want all that.
DB: And, how is that going to work out for you, being another married man’s side-chick?
YE: I don’t like that word being used on me. It’s very demeaning.
DB: How do you term this your situation?
YE: He calls me his Second Lady. I am The Second Lady in his life.
DB: The Second Lady!
YE: The Second Lady.
YE: I have no intentions of snatching him from his wife and kids. He chose them first. And I respect that.
YE: He chose me too. He chose me, Dave.
DB: Trust me, I know what you are talking about.
YE: I am in love with this man, and he loves me so much, I sometimes get scared. He’s unofficially introduced his kids to me mpo.
YE: It’s that crazy. He passed by my office one time on their way home, just to say hello to me, and introduce the kids.
YE: Dave, I have never experienced love this good.
DB: How long have you two been an item?
YE: We will be Four (4) years this year
DB: I see.
DB: Are you a happy person?
YE: Very. And with him, I am more than very happy.
DB: I see.
YE: He reads my silent thoughts, feels my pain, knows my flaws and accommodates it, we share similar goals in life, we enjoy good conversations, I am not jealous of his marriage nor his need to also go back home to his wife and kids, we respect our different perspectives on issues, we are there for each other, and submit to each other.
DB: I almost mistook this reading for his wife. You speak well of him.
YE: I love him. He’s never said anything bad about his wife. He loves her very much. Why he chose me, I don’t know.
DB: Maybe you’re able to take him to Ethiopia, Pakistan, Tokyo, Malawi and Jordan, all in one night.
YE: Oh, no. Sex is even 30% of our relationship. We do have sex every now and then, but a chunk of the time, he visits me at home, just to sleep on my lap, or stare at me, sit close to me, watch me cook, so he tastes a little of it, before going home to eat his wife’s food. The days he wants to eat my food, he eats to fill. It’s not about sex, and it does surprise me too. Remember I told you I was dating before he came my way?
YE: Yeah. So I am also surprised he is not all into and about sex with me. He is in love with me. If he doesn’t hear from me or I am unable to communicate in any way, I will see him in my office or at home. Every day, he makes it a point to be with me. Unless he’s traveled outside of the country.
DB: I see.
YE: One day in every week, he does a chore in my house after he’s closed from work. If he doesn’t wash my dirty clothes with his hands in the bathroom (though I have a washing machine), he would scrub my bathroom or clean the toilet closets, or mob the entire four bedroom house. He weeds my compound, wash my cars, water my plants, etc.
YE: Yes. He would take off his office attire and work in his boxers. Dave, he stands by my side in the kitchen whenever I am cooking a meal to eat.
DB: And he does all these at home with, and for his wife?
YE: I doubt. I have asked him once and he just smiled.
DB: He doesn’t do that at home.
DB: And you’re sure you’ve not worked any Kutu B3t3w calls on him?
YE: What’s that?
DB: African magic.
YE: Lol! Juju?
YE: No sir. As I said earlier, I have not met this kind of love before.
DB: What’s the end game to this?
YE: I don’t know. He asked me some years ago my plans for us, whether to raise kids together and all.
DB: He said that?
YE: And more. He wants to have kids with me. I have been using my pills well. I don’t know if I want to be a mother now. I love my job too much to be distracted.
DB: I see. And you’ve told him?
YE: No. I have aborted two of his pregnancies already. He will kill me if he found out I washed his seeds away.
YE: I love him very much. I just don’t know how to plan this relationship well.
DB: I am happy you both seem to have found something meaningful your souls find delight in. But let’s be real, HE IS MARRIED!
YE: I know. You don’t need to capitalize on that.
DB: HE IS VERY MARRIED!
YE: Stop that, please.
DB: I am not judging here. Your decisions have always been your own to make. Love has never been black and white, and very often, a lot of us have also fallen for people who weren’t/aren’t available.
YE: I am in a moral dilemma.
DB: Love is moral, even without legal marriage. But this man, has a wife he loves. Does that not speak to you in any way?
YE: Why do you think we are chatting?
DB: Your mother didn’t carry you for nine months and go through extreme hours of labor for you to just be someone’s side chick.
YE: The things you can say. Smh! That is insulting, you know?
DB: I’m sorry.
YE: That’s ok. The love of my life happens to be a married man, and Dave, I can’t help it.
DB: Are you happy being in this secret relationship all this while?
DB: You are alone most of the time, waiting, always waiting for your turn with him. Is this the ideal love life you dreamt for you?
DB: His parents and siblings do not know of your existence. You are not an in-law to his family. You are his secret asset. He will not openly claim you as his beloved nor choose you over his wife and kids. Does that not speak to your conscience?
YE: It does.
DB: His family with his wife will always come first. But you still love him. I know what you are going through.
YE: Hmmm! I mention his wife a lot to him when we are together. I don’t pretend she doesn’t exist.
DB: No! You can’t pretend she doesn’t exist, because she does, legally. But this is the reality: If he’s currently cheating on his wife with you, what makes you think he would not do that again to you? If he cheats with you, what is the likelihood that he wouldn’t also cheat on you?
YE: I’ve thought of that.
DB: He is still having sex with his wife, no matter the hope his affection towards you makes you believe. He will not leave his wife and kids for you.
YE: I know. What do I do? Because I am okay with our relationship. Dave, I am happy with him in my life. I see the joy on his face whenever he sees me after work. I have his password to his Facebook and phone. I go through his emails to notify him of any important emails. He’s never asked for my passwords, but he gave me his, without me even thinking of asking for it.
DB: You need to look at this from another angle: The priorities, your priorities in this relationship with a married man. Are you thinking with your head or with your heart?
YE: I don’t know anymore.
DB: Have you set any time limits with him?
YE: Time limits?
DB: As in, for how long you are to remain his second lady?
YE: We haven’t discussed that.
DB: Is he the only man you’re currently seeing?
DB: So you are being faithful to a man who is being unfaithful to his wife. Are you safe? You need to take a hint from this, and also, go out to date other men. You wouldn’t be cheating on him. He is the married one. You are at liberty to know other people. You owe yourself that, so you stop becoming too attached to him. Because, he’s never going to be 100% yours. He’s taken.
YE: Put yourself in my shoes, Dave. Would you have dated other people?
YE: So why are you advising that?
DB: Because I want the best for you. You need to have a life outside of him. You are a woman.
YE: I have a life outside of him.