The perfect distraction

One statement I have never stopped making to friends is, “Everything is going to be alright.” A lot of the time, I do not really know whether I believe in these words, however, I keep saying it to people and myself anyways. Not everything would have to happen for a reason, but when I look at everything happening around us, our permanent realities shouldn’t be the temporary circumstances we seem to find ourselves in. – DBM


“Hello Mr. Bondze-Mbir,

I read the ‘Uncle Daddy’ story on your blog, and to be very honest, I’ve smiled and smiled for all of the good reasons. I got married to my own ‘Uncle Daddy’, and he follows your platform actually. How did my husband show up in my life? I returned home from work on the 7th of May, 2012, and my ex-husband had packed all of his belongings. He left me no note, he left me no text message. He left no missed calls on my phone that day. And I am talking about a man who had woken me up to make love to me, that very dawn and early morning of the 7th. He usually would have picked the children from school on that Monday. Mondays were his days to pick them from school, but that day, he did not show up at their school. The school authorities had to call me to come for them. My husband’s phone was switched off. I called his office and he had resigned. His siblings and parents could not reach him either.

He left me with three kids.

The pain of that whole experience was the fact that, I was the one who was left in the dark for no reason. I had been blindsided by the whole thing. I thought my life was over, because I couldn’t make the head or tail of it. I had spent 13 years living vicariously through his life: his dreams, his fears, his downs, his ups, his failures, his successes, his joys, his sadness’s, his brokenness, his every desire, I was there for him… And then, BAMM, he was out of my life. It wasn’t an easy thing to process. I did not even know how to explain anything to our children.

That very Monday, of the 7th, my husband tells me he had arrived in Ghana for the first time, with his son, and was thinking about what had influenced his decision to come tour the country. He knew no one here. His only knowledge of Ghana was the little information his late wife had fed him with. Apparently, she wanted so much to visit Africa, and couldn’t stop telling him about her interest. My husband is a Caucasian American, a widower by then, 41 years old. He said he needed a place to clear his head after his late wife’s funeral, and Ghana was his best choice of escape.

I was working at the hotel he had lodged as a room service attendant. I had a Degree, but couldn’t find a job in my specialized field of study, so I settled for ‘room-cleaning’. I had been working at the hotel for three years. On the 13th of May, 2012, I had to be at work. I had rooms to clean, and my husband’s room number was on my duty list that day. I knocked on his door, and he was by the window, sitting on his bed, shirtless, his face buried in his hands. He did not raise his head to look at me. He just responded to my greeting and remained in that position. His son, on the other hand was just adorable. He asked me a lot of questions and wouldn’t stop following me around the room, and smiling with me.

I got to the bed, and had to ask him to get up so I laid it. He looked at me for a moment, took his eyes off, turned to look at me for the second time, and wouldn’t stop staring. He smiled and then mentioned his name to me. I introduced myself also to him. He asked whether I was married, and I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want to answer. He saw sadness in my eyes, and kept asking whether I was married. I opened up for whatever reason, and he just said,

“You need to see things from this perspective instead: He did not leave you. He rather showed you the door to a more fulfilling life to come. I think we need to be friends.”

He helped me lay his bed. He asked for my phone number, and insisted I showed him where I lived. I was reluctant at first, however, he had this sense of care and concern in his voice when he talked. I got to know all about him when I was done cleaning the rooms assigned me that day. He took me to lunch at the hotel’s restaurant, and bought packaged meals to be given to my kids. I forgot to add this, he insisted on meeting with my children that day. His son met my children, and they became friends almost there and then. I had almost forgotten my husband had left me just the day before.

He became my perfect distraction. That week, he insisted I took a few days off from work to take on a side-job as his tour guide. Salary was the same as I was earning at the hotel, only, he was going to pay me that, every other day. He needed my friendship and help to rent an apartment also. He had come to Ghana to spend just two weeks, but for reasons best known to him, he wanted to stay for long.

Three days after everything that had been going on, my mother-in-law called to inform me about my husband’s decision to want to part ways with me. According to my mother-in-law, my husband was claiming he felt he wasn’t good enough for me, and that, I needed someone who could love me best. I asked for the contact number of my husband, and she refused to give it out. I called one of my sisters-in-laws that I was very close to, only to find out that, he had traveled outside of the country. Dave, men can be extremely wicked, but there are exceptions amongst them also.

I was shocked by the news of his relocation, because I knew nothing about any plans of his to travel. I gave myself permission to experience every emotion that gurgled up. I did not ask for his number from her. I did not call his mother, ever again. I did not cry or get drunk or ever bothered to worry. I did not beg for him to give us a chance. He had made a choice. When a married man chooses to want to be with another woman, wives need to let them go, freely. LET THEM GO! You should never stalk the other woman. There will always be a holding pattern to support the grounds on which you would walk on. You will be sad. I was very sad and disappointed in my ex-husband, and it was okay to be sad. You will be hurt, and it’s okay to be hurt. You will get angry, and it is okay to be angry. Every woman being cheated on will be all those things and even more. Feel it, and let it just be a feeling.

You will be fine. Holding on to the hopes that he would have a change of mind someday, to focus on you – is a good thing, but not really a healthy decision to make. Look at your realities and what it would be saying to you. That is the truth you’d need to believe.

I became my current husband’s tour guide in Ghana. My mother came over to be with my kids to help me clear my mind. I got time to show him around, made so money from his offer and eventually, quit my job after his two months stay. I had saved enough money to cater for the home for a couple of months. I did not hear from him for five months after he had return to the States. On the sixth month, he showed up at my door. He had come to buy a property in Accra, and wanted me and the kids to move in with him. Just like that. His son wanted to school with my kids.

I called my father-in-law to arrange a meeting. We discussed my divorce options and went ahead to file for it. Would you believe I’ve not set eyes on my ex-husband, since he left? I had had to deal with helping our kids to understand the bitter truth.

My American man invested in a private business here. He did not employ me though he knew I had certain qualifications. He rather offered a different proposition: a permanent job to be his house keeper, to manage his home. Though we weren’t married, I was already treating him like I would a loved one. We weren’t having sex, but we lived together. I was already keeping his home organized. So when this offer came to me, I was surprised, because I was doing that service already. I’m a woman, I’m supposed to be able to handle household responsibilities and children.

My husband pays me GHs 3,500 for the permanent job as his house keeper. After we married, he still insisted housekeeping is a decent job. He hated the hotel I used to work because of the peanuts I was earning for the kind of job I did. The GHs 3,500 is not the ‘chop money’ for the home. It’s not for the kids’ upkeep. It’s my salary for every month, for managing the home. Money to be spent on me. He gives a separate money for the home, and for the kid’s upkeep. My husband fantasizes about coming home to me and the kids every day. He says I’m attractive to him. I greet my husband with love and so much respect, anytime he’s at the front door from work.

His food will always be on the table after work. I do not disturb him with any issues or news that would change his mood for whatever reason. Work stresses him enough. I do not need to stress him for any other reason. After meals, the whole family sits to talk about our plans for the following day. He would then help the children with their assignments, put them to bed, and return to me. He joins me to relax or watch television together. We talk about our day, while in each other’s arms, and then go to bed.

That is typically our daily routine. I have created an environment at our home for him to find a breather from all the pressures at his work. I make his life simpler once he walks through the doors of our home. He finds his peace and rest with me in the house.

When my divorce from my ex-husband was officially dealt with, my husband joined me in the kitchen one afternoon to cook. He asked me to marry him while turning the stew on the fire. I did not give him an audible answer of ‘Yes’, I just kissed him. And, that was our first kiss.” – From AP

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