The Only Man

“I appreciate myself and everything I am capable of doing. I have learnt how to embrace that feeling of confidence in my qualities and abilities. I found my inner security. I see myself from a different perspective. I love who I have become. I believe in my thoughts and knacks. I know I am the best version of myself, and if I am good for me, I am good for my husband.”A


“On the 21st of October, 2019, Ernest sent you this message to explain what being married to me means to him. You shared it on your Facebook. My name is Adoma..

Hello David,

Since taking the decision to marry my wife, I’ve found in her my best friend forever. We’ve been married for 17 years, and it’s been quite a journey thus far. 17 years of respect for my wife. 17 years of fidelity to my wife. 17 years of love and acceptance. 17 years of contentment and truth. 17 years of companionship, 17 years of family. 17 years of understanding, 17 years of patience. Some of the years had been challenging, however, I still count my 17 years of happiness.

I wasn’t in a rush to get married. I wasn’t in a hurry to have sex. I wanted to be the kind of man I could give to my daughter to marry. And until I had matured into that character fully, I did not rush into relationships. When I first met Adoma, I smiled. She was selling something to me at a higher price. She knew she had inflated the price, yet was trying to convince me it was ‘normal’ and worth it. I stared in her eyes for a second and then, decided not to buy from her. I bought from the next store.

I went back to her to ask her name. She told me her name. She asked of mine. Adoma looked like a person I could hang out with, someone I could easily forgive her shortcomings and also accept the fact that, she is not, and will never be perfect. I did not marry my wife because she satiates my every emotional need. I have never cheated on her also not because she meets my every sexual, emotional and whatever other need that needs meeting. I am with her because she reminds me of what is worth fighting for. I have become a better man because of my love for this troublesome, imperfect woman and mother of my children.

The evening of the first time I set my eyes on her at the store, was when I asked her to marry me if she were single. She was single, but could tell wasn’t sure whether or not I was serious about my proposal. I remember she just laughed, and I think, even called me ‘crazy’. I asked to see her parents the following week, and she was amazed. The first question her father asked me was,

“How long have you known my daughter. “

She was 34 years. I was 36. She was and is the only woman I have been with. I am her 5th relationship. We are looking forward to traveling another 17, plus 17, multiplied by two years in marriage, before parting ways gracefully. We built our friendship in the marriage, and I am very proud of my choice of a wife. She shares my bed. I share her kitchen, we share the remaining house. Every battle any of us has faced, we have found in us a friend to want to take it as personally as we do.” – Ernest

I had dated men I thought loved me, because I really, really loved them. I don’t know what it was about me that seemed to be only attracting the worst kind of men, even though I was praying for the right ones to come my way. They all screwed me over somehow. My first boyfriend was sleeping with two other ladies. My second boyfriend used me to get back at an ex he is now married to. My third boyfriend, after sleeping with me many times in two years, told me I did not taste ‘right’ in bed. The taste he wanted in a woman’s vagina wasn’t the one I had so he had to end things with me ‘in order not to hurt my feelings’. In a nutshell, we weren’t sexually compatible. And it took him two years of daily sex to come to that conclusion. The forth guy was my true love. My husband knows him. We almost got engaged but he impregnated another woman and did not want to raise a child out of wedlock. He left me for the other woman.

My husband thinks he’s the fifth guy I have been with, but he’s actually the sixth. The fifth guy chose the Diversity US Visa Lottery win over me. He had the perfect opportunity to marry and take me along as his spouse, but did not choose me. Before he left the country, he apologized for ‘wasting my time’ and also came clean about something he felt I needed to know, I wasn’t beautiful enough. He wanted to be married to a beautiful woman. I never heard from him again.

I’ve been used, misused and abused. I closed down in shame and humiliation. I had relied on the words of men whose actions couldn’t back them up. So, from this background history I could never trust or find peace of mind in any other relationship. I did not believe any other guy could see a future with me. My husband isn’t perfect but he strives to be a better man. And though I know he’s good, I was always waiting for the day I would wake up to hear him say, “I am not happy with you” or ‘I want a divorce’  or ‘I am in love with another lady’. It had happened to me 5 times, so I was having a hard time believing my husband wouldn’t surprise me with a revelation so terrible. He kept assuring me not to worry, and I was acting not worried, but I was worried.

It took me two years to learn how to appreciate myself and everything I am capable of doing. I have learnt how to embrace that feeling of confidence in my qualities and abilities. I found my inner security. I see myself from a different perspective. I love who I have become. I believe in my thoughts and knacks. I know I am the best version of myself, and if I am good for me, I am good for my husband. I am happy I am still in relationship with Ernest, because he is the only man I know who has followed through with the commitments he made to me. My husband has encouraged me to grow as an individual. He makes time for me to pursue my own personal interests. Ernest discusses household responsibilities with me and makes sure they’re fairly distributed.

He’s my helper.

In the past, I did not mind dating all those guys with the qualities I wanted, but Dave, meeting Ernest has helped me clarify which qualities I needed in a man. In the past, I may have wanted those exes, but in my present and future, I need me some Ernest. I don’t feel guilty for having flaws in my marriage. I don’t need to hide my true self from my husband, and put on a front in order to be whatever I think he wants. He is there for me when I need him, and for how many times I would need him, he is there for me. He has weathered the storm with me, even though he would have preferred staying in the sunshine. He respects everything about me. He respects my feelings, he respects my motivations. He respects my views, the very things I say, the friends I keep, my type of job, etc. He respects me.

I have trust in him. I am safe being open and utterly honest with him. I am not afraid of him violating the trust I have in him anymore. I am not afraid of him using anything I say to him against me. He will not leave me all by myself unexpectedly. And I know this because he tells me and acts it every day. He meant every word when he told me, “I love you!”

Ernest is my favorite pizza.”

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