Have you found your personal person that you are drawn to? That man or woman who is very interested in everything about you? That individual you feel safe being with all the time? That lady or gentleman who doesn’t make you feel judged in any way? The one who is loyal in the relationship? – DBM
“I am married to my second husband now, and until he saved me from digging my own grave in my first marriage, I did not believe I could ever smile this good and feel this good as a woman, and also, about myself in a marriage. My first husband was a good man when I met him. I could swear on my life any day in those years to vouch for him – when we were dating. He made me believe in love. He made me believe good men really did exist. I remember desiring him a lot because I just couldn’t stop myself from talking to him. I could not stop thinking about him. My family had to know about that wonderful man. My friends had to meet him. I could not believe my luck; I wanted the whole world to also get to experience his unbelievable personality. Conversations with him were fun and enjoyable. His emotions conveyed in every conversation we had during our dating years. His intentions about me were clear, he loved me that much also. At least, that was the message he put across then.
He paid attention to me and my needs. He made me feel important. I couldn’t have gone wrong with him, Dave, because he was all that and more… Every woman’s dream. He knew exactly what he wanted out of life, and was ambitious enough to pursue those goals. I was that attracted to his passion. He loved to make sense. I loved to watch him make so much sense to people. He inspired me to want to be better than I was. My ex-husband was kind. He used to not make me want anything. If he had, he always gave. If he didn’t have he made me feel like I wasn’t lacking: He was there for me when I needed him the most. He was there for me when I needed him the least. All I am trying to say is, I never, for once, felt alone when we were in a dating relationship. He was my strength to overcome pain and weaknesses. He had a way of making me smile whenever I was sad. We connected on a deeper level as friends and lovers.
If I am being honest here, I agreed to marry him because of the above mentioned reasons, and I was proud of my decision until I got pregnant with our first child. I’ll explain why very soon, but let me tell you about something else that intrigued me that year. Two months to my marriage ceremony, I met this strange old woman on the beach. It was a holiday, and my friends and I had planned on wasting the day by the seaside. I thought she was strange because she had stood in the same position by a coconut tree for the two hours we had arrived. One of my friends drew our attention to her and I decided to time her. After an hour, she was still standing that still, at the same position, staring at people. We had brought food for lunch, so when we got hungry, I dished some into a disposable plate, added water to it, and then sent it to her. She was well dressed and all, cute old lady. She starred at the food, and just smiled lightly. She took the plate, thanked me, and then stood in the same position to eat the food.
Strange, right? Yeah! I went back for my food, excused myself from my friends, took two empty chairs, and went to keep the old lady company. She sat in one of the chairs and continued eating in silence. After she was done eating, she stood back up in her standing position. I asked if everything was alright with her and she smiled. She asked about my marital status. I told her I was going to get married in two months, and she smiled at that too and wished me well. I asked if she was married, and she said, ‘yes’ but wasn’t living with her husband.
She lost her mind after finding out her husband had been in affairs all their married life. The shock of it took her off course for months. He placed her in a confinement in New York, until she healed. According to her, her husband brought her back to her parents in Ghana, 15 years ago, and he’s never come back for her. She used to speak to her kids on phone until they matured to be able to travel to Ghana to see her.
It was a sad story she narrated to me. When I was done talking with her, I joined my girlfriends. We spent two more hours playing in the water and the woman was still standing. When we were about leaving home, she smiled warmly at me, and walked towards us. I can paraphrase exactly what she said to us, ‘You will know your husbands love you if by your 10th marriage anniversary he hasn’t cheated on you yet. If a man can stay committed in marriage to only you, and not look anywhere else for sex, attention and companionship, he can stay 10 more years, and another 10, just to love only you.’
My girlfriends got curious and suddenly wanted to chat with her about ‘love’ issues. She had this America accent in her speech and that was what got all of us interested back then. She spoke intelligently too. After chatting with her for almost 45 minutes, we felt our happiest. I remember her mentioning one thing that I took to heart. She advised us not to use any of the things our husbands would buy to engage us from the lists our families would give them. “Use the utensils to cook for the family when married, wear his ring to ward other men off. But buy your stuffs to wear on you.” Her reasons being, we would be able to return them to his family if he doesn’t meet the 10 years love test.
And for some reason, I took her advice when my husband finally married me. I kept all the cloths and drinks and jewelries in the suitcase. I did not even use the Bible he bought me for the wedding. Everything was in my suitcase. I was financially very secure, so I think that also helped issues. I had enough personal stuffs I hadn’t yet even used. Secondly, I could afford my basic needs and did not have to depend solely on my husband.
Marriage in our first two years was good. Even he testified. However, he changed afterwards. I sensed he had changed and even confronted him about my intuition, but he would always laugh to try to brush it off and then, calm my nerves. I also bought into the pregnancy hormones excuses until it was too late. When I was seven months pregnant with our second child, I fell ill. I had given a chunk of my savings to support my ex-husband’s business. It was a loan to be paid back so I was very ‘dry’ in my accounts that trimester. I asked my ex-husband to drive me to the hospital and he said he couldn’t because his phone wouldn’t stop beeping. He had an urgent business meeting that morning. He did not take our son to school that day also. I had to arrange a taxi for him.
When I left the hospital that afternoon, there was so much traffic on the road, the taxi I chartered had to use a different route that took us to the Accra Mall road. That was where I saw my husband with this same lady I had seen him with when I was pregnant with our first child, at his office. I sensed something was off that first time when I saw the way he responded to her. The second sight of them together proved I wasn’t wrong the first time after all. I asked the driver to take me to the Mall’s carpark. I paid him to leave, with the intention, my husband would take me home. He had shopped for her and they seemed so happy together, until he saw me walking towards them.
Dave, my ex-husband took his eyes off me, sat in his car and drove off. I called his phone many times but he did not answer. I cried at the carpark. I really cried. And, that was the last time I ever cried for or because of him. I spoke to my lawyer, talked to my family and prepared myself for the single mother experience. When we named our second child, that very day, in the presence of both our families, my lawyer served him with our divorce papers. I returned everything he had bought from the list my father gave him for our engagement that same day too, and went back in the house with my children.
He refused to file for the divorce for over a year, but I was done with. It took another man to come into my life for him to realize it was really over between us. The surprising thing was, he changed for the better after serving him with the divorce papers. He ended his relationship with the other woman just to prove a point. He tried to catch up with me, but I was no longer into him nor the marriage anymore.
My current husband came my way when I was picking my son from school in 2012. He had come to pick his daughter from the same school. I was in my car playing with my second son, while we waited for the first boy. He knocked on my window and asked if I was single. I laughed so hard, I couldn’t explain why. He smiled and insisted I answered his question. My ex-husband, for whatever reason had also come to pick our son from school. He knew it was my turn to pick the boy that week but he showed up. He saw me talking to my current husband and he got angry for no reason. He walked to my car to create another scene, but my husband chose to ignore him. I told my husband I was divorcing my ex-husband, and in the presence of my ex-husband, he asked me to marry him when my divorce was finalized.
He had been a widower for three years and was looking to settle down again. My ex-husband filed for the divorce that week, and when everything had officially ended between us, my husband brought his family to meet mine to ask for my hand in marriage. We did not date. We weren’t even close friends then. We just used to check on each other on the phone, and that was that. I wasn’t sure of what I was getting myself into, but I was sure of what I was doing. I got to learn about who my husband is after we had married. He respects me, he’s very considerate and attentive to all of my needs… He’s never been inappropriate. Since we married, he still looks straight into my eyes when he is talking to me. He shows interest in whatever I have to say.
My husband ensures I keep him sexually satisfied. Anytime he needs sex, he tells me he needs sex. And he asks for sex. And because he satisfies me to the nonsense degree, I give him good, hearty sex. Sex with him encourages different shades of me to come out to play with him. He seeks to bring me pleasure. My husband has been true to his word and also, to himself since we married. I trust his word. He tells me the truth and not what he feels I need to hear. Unlike my ex-husband, I have never guessed about what my husband is thinking or feeling at any particular time in our lives together. We’ve been practically dating in our almost five years of marriage.
He doesn’t get angry, fed up or offended with the least provocation from my part. He tries to always understand me, because he loves me.
I’ve never touched any of the things he bought to engage me. I am still looking forward to a 10th anniversary with him. He puts me, the woman he loves, above himself, and he makes this act seem so simple, I just don’t know how he does it. He’s always telling me, “Babe, it’s all about what’s best for you”. I am 47 years old now, and I am nursing our first baby together. That’s his second child, and my third.” – From LG