
Sons tend to hold their dads in awe. Dads are the first role models for most boys. But what happens when a son who has just made the transition into manhood is hit with the harsh reality that dad is not perfect after all? I have just been in touch with a young man who saw his dad doing the unthinkable and now he’s faced with a dilemma too unbearable for a 19-year-old.
Following is our chat
CP: Hello, Uncle Dave.
David Bondze (DB): Lol!
CP: Oh!
DB: The ‘Uncle Dave’ bit. Lol!
CP: Smh.
DB: How are you doing?
CP: Hmmm. Not sure I am fine
DB: Why is that?
CP: My dad …. My girlfriend.
DB: What have they done?
CP: Hmmm
DB: How old are you?
CP: 19 years.
DB: I see. Tell me a little about your girlfriend.
CP: I love her.
DB: Okay?
CP: That’s basically that.
DB: How long have you two been dating?
CP: Three (3) years, I think
DB: Okay!
CP: We are both in school.
DB: Where do you school?
CP: KNUST.
DB: And your lady?
CP: Legon.
DB: Okay! So, how have you two been coping with the distance thing?
CP: We try to cope with it. I visit her often, almost every weekend. We talk a lot on phone, every day.
DB: She loves you?
CP: I’d want to believe so.
DB: That’s great
CP: Hmmm.
DB: What’s the problem?
CP: I visited her on campus to take her out. She saw my dad’s car and drew my attention to it.
DB: On campus?
CP: Yes. He was waiting for someone. She wanted us to go and greet him, but I wanted to see what he was doing there, so we waited to surveil him.
DB: Why would you go ‘FBI’ on your Dad?
CP: I don’t know. Maybe my instincts.
DB: I see.
CP: A female student joined his car, and he kissed her on the mouth.
DB: You could see all that from your hiding place?
CP: Not only me; my girlfriend also saw it. She was shocked. It was very embarrassing
DB: Hmmm! What was going through your mind?
CP: I don’t know. But I lost every respect I thought I had for him.
DB: A kiss, sometimes means nothing.
CP: He kissed her on the mouth, Dave. This kiss meant something.
DB: I see.
CP: So, I chartered a taxi to follow them when they drove off.
DB: And your girlfriend was with you in the taxi?
CP: Yes.
DB: Why did you have to involve her in this?
CP: That’s the something I am regretting right now.
DB: Hmmm!
CP: Dad took the lady to a hotel, gave her money to go book a room, and then, he joined her inside after waiting in his car for almost, 10 minutes.
DB: I see.
CP: I tried calling Dad, when he was in the car waiting. He ignored my calls.
DB: Lol!
CP: What’s funny?
DB: You were not expecting a horny man to answer your calls to talk books and fees, were you?
CP: When he joined the girl in the hotel room, I called again. He ignored my call, so I called my mother to call him.
DB: No, you did not!
CP: I did.
DB: What reason did you give to your mother?
CP: No reason. I just told her I needed to speak to him urgently, but he wasn’t answering my calls.
DB: I see
CP: Mum says he picked on her third attempt and he was claiming to be in an urgent meeting at Tema. Dave, he was nowhere near Tema.
DB: I get your point
CP: My Dad has really let me down.
DB: He’s human
CP: So are the other faithful men out there.
DB: He’s still your father.
CP: Smh. He left the hotel after two hours or so, and then, the lady followed after an hour, to pick a taxi.
DB: You had that time to spy on them that long, with your girlfriend?
CP: I was confused, Dave. I didn’t understand why he would do that to my mother. Mum has done so much for him. How stupid can one be?
DB: Most men do not believe they can cheat on their spouses until it happens. That isn’t stupidity or weakness. That’s just human nature sometimes
CP: To cheat?
DB: No, to err.
CP: Hmmm. Of course, I know that they are not always the happiest couple together; they disagree a lot, dad sometimes comes home very late. They give themselves attitude and oftentimes, talk anyhow to each other… However, they have chosen to still remain married. Why wouldn’t dad show my mother some respect?
DB: That, shouldn’t be your cup of tea. Focus on your education and girlfriend.
CP: It’s not that simple, Dave. He makes me hate him a lot of the time when he is being mean towards my mother.
DB: You should rather be picking lessons out of their seemingly ‘failing’ relationship. Two people should not ruin each other by being together. What’s the point in being together if you are not the happiest?
CP: How about the love and happiness shared in the past? Is it not worth fighting for? Why should dad give up on my mother that easily?
DB: If your mother or father is giving love, and not receiving love back from the other, then they probably are not in the right relationship.
CP: But they are married. Is that not what love is about?
DB: Being in love, and being married, are two DIFFERENT things. People marry for various reasons. Marriage does not equal love.
CP: You are right
DB: We should not try to convince anyone who is no longer that much into us, to love us, or respect us, or to commit to us. We deserve better than that: we are better than that.
CP: Hmmm. My little sister tells me sometimes, when I visit home, that they don’t seem to respect each other. She says, they just don’t care or pretend to care only when she’s around them both
DB: How old is your little sister?
CP: 9 years.
DB: Children see a lot.
CP: And it’s so unfair, Dave.
DB: Let’s talk about your girlfriend
CP: I want to talk about my dad
DB: Boy, leave your parents alone
CP: I can’t
DB: Why not?
CP: Because my girlfriend’s issues has also got to do with my parents.
DB: How so?
CP: My girlfriend wants me to either tell my mother the truth of what we witnessed, or end our relationship.
DB: How is this either here nor there?
CP: You need to ask my girlfriend, Dave. You need to talk to her. She’s not talked to me for the past few days.
DB: Her reasons being?
CP: She doesn’t feel she can trust a man who can keep such a secret from his mother
DB: She also has a mouth. Let her do the telling
CP: She’s threatened to, probably before breaking up with me.
DB: Smh!
CP: Can you imagine?
DB: What are you going to do with that information about your father?
CP: I don’t know. I wanted to ask for your opinion.
DB: On what?
CP: Whether to tell my mother or not. That is the only condition on which my girlfriend would trust me again.
DB: Any relationship without trust is like a car without fuel. You can stay in it all you want, but it wouldn’t go anywhere
CP: Meaning?
DB: Meaning, your lady already did not trust you. This your daddy’s issue just came in handy for her to prove her point.
CP: We’ve had a few unsettling issues between us but we are dealing with it.
DB: I hear
CP: What do I do, Dave? I love my girlfriend. I want my mother to know what my dad has been up to too. I’m just not sure how to go about it.
DB: You need to focus on your studies, because as it stands now, that’s the only thing you seem to have control over.
CP: Should I tell my mum?
DB: Focus on your studies.
CP: That wasn’t my question.
DB: That is the solution to your question.
CP: Why are you trying to avoid my question?
DB: What good would come out of you telling your mother? She probably is waiting for a proof as this to leave the marriage. She probably already knows about his affairs, who knows? Your dad probably doesn’t care, whether or not she knows, or would just use excuses to minimize it to nothing, and be acting as if nothing ever happened.
CP: Hmmm.
DB: But your mother has the right to know though.
CP: I’m so disappointed in myself right now.
DB: Why?
CP: I don’t know. At age 19, I still do not know how to think critically on issues – on my own.
DB: Boy, I am 33 and almost as confused as you are.
CP: What do I do? My girlfriend wants me to tell Mum, or our relationship is over.
DB: You love that girl, don’t you?
CP: She’s the only one who understands me. She gets me
DB: Why is she not getting you right now? Why is she putting you on the edge of ‘to tell’ or ‘not to tell’? You need to do this for you, you know? They are your parents, not hers.
CP: I want to tell my mum. I just don’t know how to. They both taught me to be honest.
DB: Good! That’s a great place to start: Honesty! So write them both a note. Same information on the note, that they both taught you to be honest, and that is why you are trying to be very honest with them, on paper. Narrate what you saw and did that day, and then give each parent a copy, in front of each other… And then walk away, guilt-free, without looking back.
CP: It sounds crushing
DB: It’s not easy, but I think that is what I would have done. I think. You need to try your best to stay out of this.
CP: I know my mum, she will want to involve me, always in this, just to drive her point home
DB: If she tries bringing you into the middle of this, you RUN!
CP: The thought of breaking my mother’s heart
DB: Your dad is already at his best doing that to her at home, without your help. Forgotten what your little told you?
CP: Hmmm
DB: You are not supposed to be the middle man in your parents’ issues. You are their son, not their therapist.
CP: You think my mother knows?
DB: Women, especially wives, tend to know a lot. They may choose not to talk about it, but trust me, your mother knows. She knows your father is having affairs, and that, he’s a cheat. And the fact that, she has chosen to still be with a cheat, rather than dealing with the idea of starting all over, should encourage you to also focus on you, your studies, and your relationships with others outside of your family.
CP: You make it sound so simple
DB: Because I am typing it to your reading, not doing it. It takes a second for me to type. Lol!
CP: Smh. Hmmm
DB: Everything is going to be alright.
CP: I hope so
DB: Let it go if you are still not certain as to what to do. We do not have any control over our parents’ relationships, and it is very unfair for any child to put that burden on themselves. You are just 19 years old. You can invoke the don’t ask, don’t tell policy – for your own peace of mind.
CP: Thank you, Dave.
DB: You are welcome.
Bro, what if your girlfriend leave you after you telling your mum?
Take a stand a man, no should be no, she can do whatever she wants.
I see she already wanted to quit with you.
dave in de yr 2000 i told ma mom wat i saw and till date de effect is still on me. ma parents r still 2geda though..i knw and suspect ma dad is still at it and ma mom knws buh she dsnt care..i hate ma dad cos for wat he did and smtyms it scares me dat i will be treated lyk ma mom. i have broken up wit 2 guys already for cheating i am currently in anoda relationship leading to marriage and i am still afraid ma fiance is aware and has assured me and i believe him buh he dsnt knw its cos of ma dad…i really feel for dis guy ooo i was almost ten.
Oh wow! Hmmm. I am sorry about your past experience.
Dear poster, never be the cause of your parents divorce. U can send an anonymous text to yr mum n then stay out of their troubles… As for that girlfriend of yours, dawg her already. She doesn’t have yr best interest at heart
I’m sorry watt you’re experiencing……. I can’t advice you to tell or not to because I still don’t know if I would or not . Just know that whichever one you choose have consequences. Your mom probably knows like David said but may want proof to leave. You might wanna consider if you’d be that reason.
Bro, have a talk with your dad, tell him how you feel and how disappointed you are..Tell him to change so he could be a better role model.
Leave your mum alone.
And your girlfriend doesn’t even get near the issues here, it was a total accident she got to witness it.
Wow. Without pictorial evidence, please go as anonymous
Your beloved should be your friend and understand ur how u feel but rather she has purposed in her heart be a torn in ur skin, it only shows how childish and immature she is.
Dude is in hot waters😂😂😂
Is not easy but in my view so far as the man didn’t disrespect the wife with side chick, there is no worries.
He the young guy must take lessons from this and also sit with the girlfriend not ever talk of it .
Mr 19 years boy, NEVER IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE BE THE REASON WHY YOUR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS DIVORCE OVER SOMETHING YOU COULD KEEP MUTE OVER TO SAVE YOUR PARENTS MARRIAGE. And to that your girlfriend. Muster courage and split before she break her heart and family apart. Thank God you admitted you can’t think critically. Associate with more enlighten people so that you train your mind to critically analyze issues like this. Thank you
Not all truths are said. Breakup with your girlfriend ASAP to avoid any future problems. She doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
Whether you tell your mum or not, your girlfriend already has it imprinted in her mind that your dad is cheating on your mum. Even if you’re lucky to proceed further with your relationship with her, she’ll still hold this piece of information dear to her heart and may use your dad’s action against you should you falter someday (this is not cut in stone though as she may prove to be much more matured as time goes on) . That aside, this places a much more higher burden on you not to fall into your father’s ways and may make her overly suspicious of you from henceforth (like I said earlier, this is not cut in stone…I’m just pointing out the odds)
Your focus now should be growing into a responsible adult, and this includes focusing on your studies, on your faith, and identifying some good principles to live by. You may take a “break” from your relationship to clear your mind and reorganize yourself.
The bottom line at the end of the day is that something must be sacrificed in order for other things to fall in place. My advice to you then will be,” Don’t take on a burden higher than yourself “.
Well, i think this guy must rather let the father know about what he saw(maybe anonymously) which of coarse will depend on how he relates with his dad.
He’s a young guy and must know from the dad why he’s doing that (He may learn something from that).
Apparently, the father must have his challenges which this boy may have to know.
For his girlfriend, she doesn’t have a case cos from what she’s doing, it’s obvious she already had her intentions of breaking up and she think this is da appropriate time.
This is the time for this young man to man up nd be a man by deciding what is best for him..
” What the Dog has seen and is barking at.. The sheep has seen and is quiet”
19 in probably ur first relationship n u think ur Dad is a he-goat. Remember that e apple falls no further from e tree. Ever heard e story of e piglet n e mama 🐖 That said u re 19 n getting blindly manipulated by a girl at e risk of ur home which incidentally still has a 9 yr old girl in it. Congratulations. U might turn out worst than ur Dad is. Ur frail little heart has seen very little of a woman scorned, and a man insulted n betrayed especially by his own son. I hope ur Dad has e heart of a prodigal son’s father cos u better hope he does after u tell on him.
What do u really know about love anyway? Ur Helen of Troy is about to burn ur home n ur entire lives down n gladly live u in e smothering ashes filled with hate, resentment n mistrust. I hope u can understand all of this.
For ur own good, u never saw anything. As for that girl go back to ur KNUST n stay in ur KNUST. She doesn’t exist. She’s a demon u shd pray out of ur life lol. Good luck