He’s very charming and endearing, and was cheating on his wife. He wants his wife’s forgiveness. Wife wants space to think things through. But he’s finding an issue with her silent treatment. And he’s flipping out because he thinks she’s abandoning his needs. How can two roommates make that moment of connection happen for them to follow through?
Following is #MyChatWithHim
HP: Hello David.
David Bondze (DB): Hi. Merry Christmas.
HP: Merry Christmas, David. How are you?
DB: I am doing alright, thanks. How are you?
HP: I want to have a chat with you.
DB: I am taking a short break ooo.
HP: My marriage is almost over.
HP: And, I need someone to talk to.
DB: I can suggest counsellors.
HP: I have a counsellor. My marriage is still ending.
DB: Why is your marriage ending?
HP: My wife is daring me to get a divorce.
DB: Daring you how?
HP: I f**ked up. I apologized to her, but she’s refusing to give me a second chance.
DB: F**ked up how?
HP: I had an affair.
DB: And, this is your first time of cheating on her?
HP: Since we married, yes.
DB: How long have you been married?
HP: One and a half years.
DB: How old are you?
DB: How old is your wife?
DB: ‘Since you married’, meaning, you used to cheat prior marriage?
HP: We weren’t married. I didn’t see the need to keep to only her.
DB: But she was the one you had made to understand was ‘The One’, or?
HP: Dave, you are a guy. We say a lot of things to get what we want. But, that’s all in the past.
DB: My past has always been there all along, reminding me: This time, maybe, hopefully, against all odds, that I would get it right in my present.
HP: I erred, and I have apologized to her. Why can’t she forgive me?
DB: Why is your marriage breaking?
HP: She’s not interested in being my wife anymore.
DB: Because of the affair?
HP: Just because of one silly mistake.
DB: Why did you have the affair?
HP: I don’t know. It just happened.
DB: For how long?
HP: I don’t know for how long, but it’s over.
HP: What does ‘Hmmm’ mean?
DB: Who is the lady you had the affair with?
HP: Some foolish girl bi.
HP: Why can’t my wife be reasonable?
DB: How can she be reasonable after what you just told me? You had an affair with “some foolish girl bi”. To most ladies, love to their spouses is everything. You probably were her whole life. How reasonable can a woman be – should she realize that, to you, the marriage was only another episode in your life?
HP: I love my wife.
DB: You guys say that a lot.
HP: But I love her, Dave.
DB: Well, there were more than just the two of you in your life and the marriage, so I am guessing it was a bit crowded for her.
HP: I made a mistake, and it’s ended. Can’t she forgive and forget?
DB: Give her time.
HP: How much more time?
DB: As long as she’d need.
HP: It’s been five months already. She’s not slept in our bedroom. We haven’t had sex.
DB: Does she cook and clean the house?
HP: Yes, but she doesn’t talk to me.
DB: So she feeds you, and keeps the home tidy?
HP: Yes. But that’s not enough.
DB: Why is that not enough for you? Was she enough for you – when you were sleeping with others?
HP: Dave, you make things worse.
DB: No! You make things worse. Where have you been getting laid for the past five months?
DB: So you’ve been getting laid?
HP: Dave, she’s refusing me sex. What else do you want me to do?
DB: And you want her to forgive you? I don’t even know why we are having this chat. You are not even two years old in marriage.
HP: What is that supposed to mean?
DB: You have kids?
HP: A baby boy.
DB: I see.
HP: I just had a moment of weakness. I am human.
DB: I know it’s not easy trying to be faithful to, and be content with only one person in your life. It ought to take a lot of work, because it is a CHOICE you made. Were you forced to make those vows on your marriage day?
HP: Yes! I had to recite dem forkin words after the preacher. I wouldn’t have vowed monogamy.
DB: Regardless, I know your wife has been also tempted to cheat with a better man, at some point or another. Even if it were just a passing thought. But she did not act on it. Every time we allow the thought that, someone else is ‘sexy’, we are indirectly affirming to the fact that, they would be suitable mates for something pleasurable.
HP: And there is nothing wrong with that.
DB: But of course. Just as there is absolutely nothing wrong with not acting on that urge also. It’s a conscious decision we all make.
HP: You speak as if you haven’t cheated before.
DB: I haven’t been in many relationships. But I never cheat when I am in a relationship. It’s a choice we make. It’s a struggle between what your body wants, and what your mind also says you should do, in order to avoid messing up a healthy long-term relationship.
HP: What do I do now?
DB: Let her breathe.
HP: For how long?
DB: As long as she would need to heal.
HP: She needs to think fast.
DB: Or else?
DB: You are so full of yourself.
HP: I am not. I am being considerate actually. She’s born-one. If I divorce her as she’s doing ‘too-known’, she will find it difficult to get a good man to marry her.
DB: Let her be the one to worry about that.
DB: So, you are the good one here?
HP: I have many girls lining up, Dave. I’m a real man.
DB: Being a man does not necessarily mean you are deserving of all that you think you want. The moment you assume that you are automatically entitled to something, that is when you start walking all over others, and in this case, your wife, to get it.
HP: She’s the one being stubborn.
DB: I’d love to chat with your wife.
HP: I can’t enter into 2019 with this same issue. She needs to wise up.
DB: You are very selfish. Seeming already decided as to what you want to do, though you know you are at fault. Instead of using this energy to consider the best alternative to see the good in your wife, you are already creating more problems.
HP: Let’s chat later.
DB: A lot of the inconsistencies going on in your life and marriage is because you have chosen not to live in alignment. You are not being true to your wife. You are not being true to your marriage and the vows you spoke to her and the many people who witnessed you do so. Meaning, you are not being true to yourself. If you cannot afford to be true to who you really are, who else can you be true to?
HP: Goodbye Dave.