Yours may be also busily cheating on you. Are you going to be in denial or face the reality of it? Because to ignore gives him the go-ahead to pursue it further. To pretend as if you do not care or see his deeds equally concurs to him getting away with it. When is ever the right time to confront a spouse you suspect to be seeing another person? – DBM
YK: David, hello. I do not know if you’re going to see this message, but please if you do, respond to me. I don’t know what to do.
David Bondze (DB): Hey!
YK: Oh, Dave. Wow. Thank you.
DB: I’m just seeing your message. So sorry for the late response.
YK: I’m okay. I sent it six weeks ago, but I am still happy to be chatting with you.
DB: Everything alright?
YK: No. My husband has broken the last bit of trust I had in me for him.
DB: What did he do?
YK: He’s having an affair.
DB: I figured.
YK: He works in another Region. He comes to visit us every weekend. I made friends with a neighbor of his, the first time the kids and I visited him for the weekend. We chat often.
YK: He told me he was surprised his neighbor (my husband) was married to me, because the other lady always sleeping/staying at his place on weekdays and weekends, wasn’t me.
DB: The stranger told you this?
YK: We had started chatting and become friends.
DB: Are you surprised?
YK: I don’t know.
DB: Don’t be surprised.
YK: Why not? He was nothing like that.
DB: Nothing like what?
YK: He was a very faithful man.
DB: But of course, for/in your eyes only.
YK: I know my husband. Something is wrong.
DB: What could be wrong?
YK: I don’t know. But I know my husband.
DB: Do you have any proof of his affair?
YK: I bought a recorder and left it in a flower vase in his bedroom, when I visited him some time ago. I visited the following weekend to take it. It could record for only 22 hours.
YK: The evening of that very Sunday I left his place, his woman came to him. They talked about me, and they talked about their relationship. They had sex on the same bed I slept on with my husband.
DB: Have you confronted him?
YK: Yes, but I did not play the tape. I was hoping he would tell me the truth, but he made me believe it was all in my head.
DB: I’m sorry about that.
YK: I’ve been wondering what else he’s been lying to me about.
DB: You don’t ask a cheating spouse whether or not they are cheating on you. They will always tell you what you would want to hear. How long have you been married?
YK: 12 years.
DB: How many kids?
DB: I see.
YK: Should I play him the tape?
DB: Not yet. Would you want to play it to him?
DB: For what purpose?
YK: I want to see his reaction.
DB: And then what?
YK: I just want to know.
DB: Do you have a plan in place – after knowing?
YK: My father cheated on my mother, and she walked out on him. She wasn’t even working, but she left the marriage, and took us to our grandparents’.
DB: And, how many siblings did you have?
DB: Where are they now?
YK: Three are abroad, working. One is a medical doctor, the other is an Aerospace engineer, level V. The third is a Mathematics professor at Cornell University, Ithaca. My other sister heads a branch of a bank in Accra.
DB: How about you?
YK: I own a restaurant at East Legon.
DB: GOD is good.
DB: Where is mom?
YK: She died nine years ago.
DB: I’m sorry to hear that.
YK: Why don’t you want me to play the tape to my husband?
DB: Why haven’t you played it to him all this while?
YK: I was waiting for you to respond to my message.
DB: I am not a counselor.
YK: I know.
DB: One of my friends, own a company with her husband. They work in the same firm. They return to the house almost the same time, every day. They pick their kids from school in turns. They have waiting lounges, with TV and so many toys at work for the kids of the staff. They are always together: But her husband is having an affair.
YK: Are you trying to tell me something?
DB: My friend monitored her husband’s every movement. She was certain she knew him by the clock, but he surprised her. What were you expecting from your relationship, from a distance?
YK: I trusted him that much.
DB: Don’t let his choices make you sad. Do not make any assumptions. Just focus on other things.
YK: I can’t.
DB: Why, you would rather want to hear the specific details?
YK: I’d want to know why he is lying so graciously to me.
DB: And, are you ready to create an understanding for whatever his reasons may be?
YK: I just want to know.
DB: And then what?
YK: I’d know what next after he explains himself.
DB: It’s also cool.
YK: What would you have done?
DB: The house you live in, whose house is it?
YK: We built it together. We both contributed half of the overall cost.
DB: Good. How many rooms?
YK: Six bedrooms. Why?
DB: This is what I would have done, if I were in your shoes. I will move all my things to the other room, decorate the room to my taste, and be sleeping there.
YK: Why wouldn’t you stay in the bedroom?
DB: Or would you rather want to be sleeping there?
DB: Great! Move his things to the other room, arrange them to his taste, and re-decorate the bedroom to your taste.
YK: So, I shouldn’t let him have a listen to the recording?
DB: Oh, he would definitely have a listen to it.
DB: When he starts a fight with you concerning the new sleeping arrangements at home.
DB: It’s that simple. Then you start asking your questions, why he did that to you. You ask how/when it all started. You should also want to know for how long it has been going on. You’d want to know how he feels about her in his life. Etc.
DB: Will you feel comfortable, staying in the same house with him?
YK: It’s my house, Dave. It’s my house.
YK: We’ve not had sex since I went for the recording.
DB: But, why would you want to have sex with him? He’s already getting it elsewhere, why bother?
YK: I’m so hurt. I really loved my husband.
DB: When a man you’re involved with, is having sex with another person, you need to give him the gift.
YK: What gift?
YK: What kind of freedom?
DB: When I am hiding something/someone from someone I am in love with, it could only mean any of these:
- That thing or person is very dear/special to me.
- I’d want to so much protect it/the person from your unreasonable utterances.
- The excitement I find/get in/from that person or thing is way too beautiful than what I get from you.
- I’d love to keep that thing or person
DB: If it wasn’t that important to him he wouldn’t have been keeping it a secret. And the thought of him hiding/keeping it from you, yet secretly pursuing it to his satisfaction is exhilarating, and electrifying, and challenging. There is so much fun and consciousness, and pleasure in keeping a side-piece. Why don’t you make it even more fun for him – by letting him know you do not mind him doing what he’s doing, and that, you do not care anymore? Encourage him to even move in with her officially. Don’t put any restrictions on his fun. Leave him be.
YK: Just like that? After 12 years of marriage?
DB: The same way he is now too used to you to want to look outside of your marriage, he will get too used to her too, and would look outside of their relationship. Life is that simple.
YK: I have done everything to make him happy. He tells everyone how happy I make him. Was that also a lie? I feel so disrespected.
DB: And respect is everything in a relationship. Because if your spouse can disrespect you in this manner, it puts the whole ‘Love’ he claims to have for you into question.
YK: He’s never complained about me not meeting any need of his. He made me believe he was happy.
DB: You don’t have to blame yourself for his choices. It was his call to cheat on you. He had a commitment to you. You are not responsible in any way for that. Focus on the very people who appreciate your little efforts in their lives, and are content with you: ie. Your kids, your employees or staff, your siblings and close friends.
YK: Separation it is.
DB: Just stay in the same house with him, and keep a close eye on whatever it is that will be going on between you two. Cook for him when he comes for the weekend, keep the house clean and welcoming for him. Take very good care of his children, your children.
YK: I will.
DB: Gather as much needed evidence/information/facts/data, whatever worth gathering for a rainy day, gather them bit by bit. Because there is so much you would need in your possession before making that ultimate, intelligent and final decision concerning your lives together as a married couple.
DB: And, don’t announce his infidelity to the world. Not yet.
YK: You think so? Because I have already informed his parents.
DB: I see. Well, it’s all good.
DB: Oh, and please do heal. Don’t let this get to you. Let it get at you, but NOT to you. You will get over it someway-somehow. Don’t get angry. Don’t fear. Don’t hurt. Don’t do anything stupid to avenge this. Let it go. Show his love the way out of your heart, and live for you. You’re very important to you and the kids, you know that, don’t you?
YK: I do.
YK: He has another woman. How about me, will I find love again, at my age?
DB: Love is available to all of us. There is always someone out there looking for someone just like you.
DB: But assuming you do not even end up finding a man after your own heart, your peace of mind will thank you.