#MyChatWithHer

Sex before or after marriage?

Her purity pledge was to stick to her guns and wait until after marriage before having sex with her current man. But ‘body no bi firewood’ and so he’s started demanding for sex. His argument is, wouldn’t she want to know whether or not he’s packing a hunting machine gun or a small plastic kiddie’s water pistol? Wouldn’t she want to know whether or not they’re compatible sexually? Is getting rid of her purity pledge worth the experience in doing the dirty before she says, “I do”?

Following is our chat:

RS: Good evening, Dave.

David Bondze (DB): Good evening. How are you?

RS: I am fine. You?

DB: I am doing alright, thanks.

RS: I’ve been dating for almost, Six (6) months now, and I think I really like this guy.

DB: Awwww!

RS: Yes

DB: What about him do you think you like?

RS: His love for God.

DB: I see.

RS: And he’s hardworking too.

DB: That’s great!

RS: Yes. Oh, and he has a funny way of laughing. It’s so funny.

DB: Lol! You are making me like him already. Lol!

RS: He’s a cool person.

DB: Cool is cool!

RS: Hmmm. He wants us to start having sex.

DB: Well, I don’t know the question you intend asking me, but sex is definitely the answer for most men.

RS: But I don’t want to have sex until I am married.

DB: And, have you told him?

RS: Since the beginning of our relationship.

DB: And?

RS: And he said he could abstain.

DB: Okay! So, what has come over him now?

RS: I don’t know ooo.

DB: Are you a virgin?

RS: No.

DB: Okay!

RS: Hmmm!

DB: Why don’t you want to have sex with him?

RS: In my past relationships, I was giving it all out, in love. But they all broke my heart and left me for other women. Some got married to different women. They were dating me, and talking to/screwing them also.

DB: When you say ‘They’, could you put a number to it?

RS: Just Four (4).

DB: I am sorry about your past experiences.

RS: It hasn’t been easy for me, Dave, moving on, always from one relationship into another. It hasn’t been easy.

DB: I can understand.

RS: I love my boyfriend very much. And I know he cares about me too, a lot. I just don’t want sex now.

DB: Have you two defined your relationship?

RS: Yes. It’s a relationship looking into marriage. But I was in similar relationships ‘looking into marriage’ in the past too.

DB: I get it.

RS: I don’t understand why he feels sex with him would truly prove my love for him.

DB: He said that?

RS: Just yesterday.

DB: To some men, love without sex is dull and absurd.

RS: But I don’t want to regret an action I am not really ready for. I will feel dirty if I do this.

DB: I see. It’s your body though.

RS: Hmmmm…

DB: Buh, wait ooo, dirty as in the sex? Because sex with a loved one is only dirty if it’s being done right.

RS: Lol! Dave, are you listening to me?

DB: Lol! Sorry! I was daydreaming a little. A boy has got to dream, you know?

RS: Smh… Lol.

DB: Lol!

RS: I am just scared of another heartbreak.

DB: I have ever lost and loved and won and also, cried myself to the person I have become today. We cannot change the fact that, some people would choose to act in a certain way.

RS: I am looking for true love, Dave. Not just sex.

DB: But sometimes too, you know that we waste time looking for the ‘the perfect’ lover, instead of rather creating ‘the perfect love’ with the people who love us?

RS: By making sex the priority?

DB: Has he made sex the priority with you?

RS: I am beginning to feel he already had this planned right from the beginning.

DB: The difference between sex and love is that, sometimes, sex relieves tension and love, sometimes, rather causes it. Most guys want their peace of mind. Boys want peace in a relationship.

RS: So I should give in? Is that what you are suggesting?

DB: No!

RS: I want love, Dave. And I am beginning to think I never got love from any of my past relationships. It hurts, Dave. It hurts.

DB: Love can be the answer alright, but while we are waiting for the right answer, in this unknown adventure, good sex can also raise some pretty good questions to clear any uncertainties.

RS: Hmmm

DB: True.

RS: But you know you’ve not said anything to me so far? You are just playing safe. Should I consider giving in to his demands for sex or not?

DB: What do you really want?

RS: I already told you. I do not want to.

DB: Then don’t. You can’t give your heart to a wild thing as sex, and expect to be always safe.

RS: Hmmm. What if he breaks up with me because of that?

DB: Then, that would be his loss, not yours. Genuine love would never demand you to do something that would violate you.

RS: I love him, Dave.

DB: I know. I heard you the first time. But the truth is, a man who chooses to talk things through with you would be far happier in a marriage than the one who only would keep things deeply hidden.

RS: Hmmmm

DB: How old are you?

RS: 32

DB: How old is he?

RS: 36

DB: I know a number of men who dated virgins, assured these girls of abstinence, but were having sex with other women. They married their ‘virgins’ alright. They love them, but are cheating on them today.

RS: I don’t want that

DB: No one does, but you can never know your man. No one knows anyone and what goes on in their closeted lives. Sex is not a meter of love.

RS: Hmmm

DB: But again, it’s very important to define for you, why this is important to you, and stand on your grounds.

RS: Sometimes he kisses me so deep, even when I don’t want all that, and he would be touchy until I push him off. I love him, Dave, believe me. And, I want all of that too, but in a marriage. Why can’t some men understand?

DB: If he’s truly in love with you, and thinks he’s a ‘keeper’, he will re-orient his intentions and align them to yours, simply because, he chooses to understand and respect you and your decisions.

RS: Ok

DB: DO NOT MARRY A MAN WHO DOES NOT RESPECT YOU!

RS: Hmmm. But as for respect dieeer, he respects me.

DB: If he did, you wouldn’t be in my inbox, chatting with me. Most times, a horny man’s definition of, “I love you” only means, ‘I may not really know exactly what I might be feeling for you right now, but I do know one thing: the sex is good. I love the sex your body gives or might give to me. I love the body nu. Body nu mu y3 me d3w.’

RS: Hmmm

DB: If he respects and loves you, he will not disrespect the very standards you hold dear. He should be committed to waiting for sex after marriage. That is love: looking after the other person first. If it’s love he’s claimed for you – for the past six months, he will do everything to honor and protect your very best interest.

RS: Ok

DB: But again, that’s just one opinion. Let’s see what others also think.

RS: Ok

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