He made a conscious effort never to judge her past because he could understand her pain. He could not change what had happened to her, but could change his outlook, thus, his reason for wanting to know her better. Whatever his wife’s history spelt was what has made her who she is today: Her pains and sufferings, the abuse and disrespect meted on her, everything anyone did to hurt her has made her grow, made her stronger, and now, can be compassionate enough to forgive others. Even in your adversity there always is an opportunity to be better. -DBM
I’d also want to share my proposal story. Until I met my wife, I never would have known that, pregnancy at the wrong time, with the wrong person, and/or in the worst of situations was the loneliest place any woman could find herself. I’m a trained professional (Gynecologist), and I love my job. I have been serving Mother Ghana, to the best of my ability. I have never compromised my integrity, never put the image of the profession into disrepute. I work wholeheartedly, and my clients/patients/colleagues at work can attest to this.
I was doing my routine consultation when this patient walked in with a pale face. She looked lost, weak, with dried lips and was very sick. She had been starving herself, I was very sure of that. Very young and pretty. She did not greet me, as most patients would, so I greeted her first. She did not respond. She just stared at me with a blank face, emotionless! I asked what was wrong with her, and tears started rolling down from her eyes. She began to seriously cry. The nurse assisting me in the Consulting Room tried consoling her but she wouldn’t stop crying. I asked the nurse to excuse us so I talked to her alone.
She was a few weeks pregnant, and needed a medical doctor to assist her abort it. I informed her that I wasn’t into abortion, but she kept begging and crying for me to ‘help’ her. I asked why she wanted the foetus removed, and she said she didn’t want it. I asked why, but she wouldn’t talk. I asked who was responsible for the pregnancy and she said her lecturer at school. She was still in tears, so I tried wiping away those silent tears. She looked at me and kept begging me to ‘help’ her. I maintained my stands on ‘NO!’
“But why not?” she cried
“Because I studied in the medical school to promote life only.” I replied
Her story was: A brilliant but very needy student who couldn’t afford paying for her tuition fees at the University. Her Church had supported her in the first year at school, but the support stopped. She had to find a new sponsor or postpone her education until further notice. Her lecturer who was fond of her brilliance, offered to support her financially – through the subsequent semesters.
She did not assume the worst of him because he is a deacon at her Church. She was friends with his wife, and they both had decided on assisting her: Her lecturer, paying her tuition fees while his wife supported her with feeding and accommodation money. They were doing just that, with no strings attached, until her final year – when his wife invited her, for the first time – to their home. She was traveling outside of Ghana, to further her education, and needed a caretaker home, to be cooking for her husband, in her absence. She had chosen her because she had trust for/in her.
She declined the offer to stay in their house, but agreed to be cooking for and sometimes, washing and cleaning their home on weekends. To cut the long story short, she was drugged by this lecturer one weekend, raped, and being a virgin, she did not know how to deal with the whole situation; she did not know whom to confide in, until it was too late: she got pregnant. She also got to know, his wife was in on it. They had been married for over 10 years without an issue, and desperately needed a child.
I did an ultrasound to date her pregnancy. She asked about the types of abortion and I reminded her instead, of her options in pregnancy: Motherhood, Adoption, or Abortion, but she had already decided on abortion. Her pregnancy was in its seventh week, so a medical abortion could have been possible. She wanted me to help stop her pregnancy with a pill, then give her another pill to start contractions to empty the uterus.
I felt very sorry for her because, she genuinely looked naïve, vulnerable, confused, and innocent. I asked for her phone number and counseled her into thinking through her decision. She wouldn’t want to press charges against her lecturer either, because of his position at church.
From my daily conversations with her, I was able to get the names of the lecturer and his wife. He accepted sleeping with her without her consent, but did not know of the aftermath. When her pregnancy had grown to its ninth week, I advised her against abortion, and gave valid reasons as to why. I assured her of my assistance throughout the nine (9) months – should she decide to carry the pregnancy to term. She chose to carry it to term, and I supported her through it all. I had attended to hundreds of clients/patients but this particular patient, brought the best out of me. She indirectly, got me to feel for her, like her and want to be there for her in ways unimaginable.
I referred her later on to a trusted colleague, to be her physician so I could continue liking her better. I rented a different apartment for her to stay in, hired a Taxi driver to be picking her in and out of school, and for any other errand, until she was due. We became very close friends. She slowly learnt how to forget all about her ordeal with the lecturer.
I introduced myself as her boyfriend to the lecturer, and warned him to keep his distance far away from her – if he did not want any legal charges pressed against him. I was willing to father that pregnancy. I liked the young lady to a fault; she was purpose driven, smart, and respectful, always willing to learn, a great listener, patient and down to earth. She was a lady by any standard.
In fact, I was advised by a Spiritual Father not to pursue her – because of her predicament, but Dave, as a single young man, looking for a woman with character to settle down with, I really wasn’t bothered by her past. I was more concerned about my present then, with her. Boys of today are only attracted to girls. I felt I was a man, at 36, independent, knowing my worth and value, with my strong moral compass, being considerate and also, a good communicator – who wasn’t built to let insecurity dominate my psyche, I found absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to a 32 years old pregnant woman.
I am talking about a woman who had/has principles (what she holds herself to), and not prospects (what she projects on others). A woman who knew her worth was far beyond her body contours. A wise woman who based her value on her intelligence, her integrity, her strength, her contributions to society, her humanity… All my wife wanted was respect, not attention. Her only desire was to be adored by only one man, not many misplaced men.
I was matured enough to choose for myself – a wife. My life vision and phase of life could build a life with my wife in it, so I pursued the love agenda, and won her heart and love for me. My proposal was simple: When she was due, and screaming to push my beloved son out – to see the world we lived in, at the hospital, I arranged with the doctor and a nurse to place my proposal, which I had handwritten on a piece of paper, “Akua, will you marry me?” in the hands of our son, before handing him over to the mother for the first time. It was so emotional for all of us. She asked for a pen, after holding our baby, and also, reading my proposal, to reply with a big, “YES!”
She gave me the first experience, to also carry our son in my arms. The entire room was filled with tears, and smiles, and laughter. Our son has a sister on the way. The biological father of my son, currently plays the ‘Uncle’ role in his life, once every week. He gets to spend an entire day with him, in our home, as his Uncle. That is the only privilege given him. I am willing to take full responsibility of my son’s upkeep.
Many of us often pray to be kept out of the unexpected problems. I chose to pray to be able to confront and overcome them. Dave, sometimes, just sometimes, the most beautiful roads in life and love – are the deviations we didn’t mean to take. What we least expect can take us out, for sure. But the unexpected can also take us over and change our lives forever. My wife and I put a HEART in our bodies where a stone used to be.
God’ has always got it.” – From JNA