He’s been unemployed since 2016. Every day, he steps out in faith, always trusting in GOD for a job. He’s doing his very best to be there for his wife and kids. He believes, that life happens! And that, what he would be doing for a living (career-wise) is just a part. However, where he comes from, who’s in his life, his family, friends, and the people he decides to want to grow old with, are all about life. That should be what is important.
But, why is his wife making life a living hell for him already? – DBM
Following is our chat
Guy: (Name withheld is waving at me – in my inbox on Saturday, at 12:45 am)
David Bondze-Mbir (DBM): Hey! Aren’t you sleeping?
Guy: Chale … worse case insomnia
Guy: Very bad
DBM: How are you and the family?
Guy: We are all good. How are you as well bro?
DBM: I am doing alright, thanks.
Guy: Dave, are you free for a 5 minutes chat?
DBM: Yes please. Sup?
Guy: If you start experiencing teething marital problems and depression sets in, what is the best remedy? Or I’m asking too much of you?
DBM: What’s going on?
Guy: Well, it started when I lost my job. Since Nov. 2016, I’ve been unemployed. And when some of my duties shifted to my wife – that’s when the problems started. It’s eating me up always. It makes me feel worthless; like I’m not part of men.
DBM: I’m sorry about that
Guy: I wish you could interview me for your next Case Study. I’d be very glad.
DBM: Lol! You got me smiling.
Guy: Interview me. Set questions. Anything, as long as I know you work with anonymity. I am ready to answer you.
DBM: Why did you choose your wife as the woman you would want to spend the rest of your life with?
Guy: Well, I saw a woman who was independent. An intelligent person. A person who was there. A person I could confide in. A listener, a good communicator.
DBM: Do you love your wife?
Guy: Honestly I don’t know whether I do or not. A part of me misses her and another part of me is so infuriated with her. The only thing that “mellows” me at times is my kids.
DBM: Do you think your wife loves you?
Guy: Funny enough, I know deep within her, she has fallen out of love with me. To her, two things are holding this marriage, her being a Catholic, as they don’t believe in divorce and our kids.
DBM: What do you do for a living at the moment?
Guy: I was an I.T manager in a firm. The company folded up in 2016, so I’ve been out of a job since.
DBM: Is your wife employed?
Guy: She is an I.T manager in an agency.
DBM: So, how are you able to contribute financially towards the home, since you’ve been out of job?
Guy: I have a very strict savings attitude. So I fell on my savings to support the house in terms of bills and also the kids’ fees
DBM: Is your current unemployed status affecting your marriage in any way?
Guy: Yes. In all ways.
DBM: Tell me about your sex life with your wife currently
Guy: Candidly, non-existent
DBM: When was the last time you had sex?
Guy: November, last year. Even it was practically a struggle.
DBM: Smh! I can only imagine
Guy: As for 2018, haah!!
DBM: Would that have been so if you were still actively working?
Guy: I seriously doubt.
DBM: What’s going through your mind right now?
Guy: Honestly, I feel inferior and valueless. What even kills me is when I found out my wife had started a master’s program without informing me. Dave, at a point when financially the family was stretched. Where she is paying well over 10,000 GH a semester.
Guy: Do you know we both had cars but she has sold hers to finance her last two semesters left and has taken over mine?
Guy: Even for me to use my own car is now a tug of war. I look at this and I ask myself, or say to myself, if I survive this thing called Marriage, I have to be given an executive pass to heaven cos I survived “hell” on earth.
DBM: I am terribly sorry about all this
Guy: Do you know the funny aspect?
DBM: Tell me!
Guy: The fact that I’m still being faithful to her with all this frustrations and the advances I ‘still’ get from the opposite sex.
DBM: You’re a good man. That’s all I know
Guy: With this ongoing dystopia in my life, and the temptations I don’t know till when the good man tag will linger on
DBM: Hmmm! You will do the right thing. Do you think your own attitude or behavior (unknown to you) could be what is causing wifey’s actions?
Guy: Dave honestly, I don’t think so. I am that home-work-home guys. As at the moment, the only time I am home is when I have exhausted all avenues of job search and I’m waiting for an announcement for job placement. I’m home apart from that. In the evenings, occasionally, I go have a drink or two and I’m back Home. I don’t club, party, nothing. With reference to attitude, when I am hurt or upset about something I don’t talk. I steer clear from the person involved. Practically speaking I don’t want the person’s trouble.
Guy: And Dave , house chores and cleaning after children is really tedious, but my wife doesn’t get it. I’m human too. Washing, cleaning and at times cooking, ain’t easy. But when an exception becomes a norm, then it’s upsetting. On an occasion, I nearly laid my hands on her because now I no longer know the woman in my house. David, I don’t believe in house helps or maids. I see them as people who can make or break your home. So I don’t want them around. But because my wife works and has added this master’s program, she is insisting on one (house help). So as I’m not ready to budge, then in her sub conscious, I might as well shut up and do the job, because I objected to her idea; an idea from day one I opposed.
DBM: I see
Guy: So maybe this might be my flaws. I’m not an angel you know. Even angels are not perfect as some rebelled against God. I have my short comings but these short comings does not make me less of a human being and does not warrant certain utterances and gestures from the one who is supposed to get my back. My wife tolerates me. And when love turns to tolerance, the output is at times not pleasant. Then feelings as respect and hospitality is thrown out. That’s is what I call “negative tolerance”. My wife, in Twi, asked me one morning that “Na woo kraa b33maa ben na maa waaree? (What sort of man have I gotten married to) just because I don’t “go-and-come” as I’m supposed to.
DBM: Do you two communicate?
Guy: Well the truth is after certain remarks she made to me, which I sorely felt was an affront to my being the head of the house coupled with this masters issue, I decided to leave her be. Now we only greet in the morning and in the evening and that’s it. A situation I wish was never existent.
DBM: What kind of remarks?
Guy: Any time there is an issue where she is wrong and I correct her or even make her understand it’s not the right path, the notion I get, whether implied or insinuated, is to back off her case. For instance, as per my situation, to keep me sane, I have decided to assist with her in chores. In the event that maybe on a Saturday she expects me to wash her and the kids’ clothes and I objects, she makes me understand that she is helping financially so I should stop complaining about chores. To be honest, that day, I locked myself up and I wept. I asked myself is it worth it, this thing called marriage?
DBM: What else is going through your mind?
Guy: Honestly I feel suicidal. That’s why I can’t sleep properly of late. My BP is way above normal. I’m drowning and it’s like a cauldron is tied to my ankle. In the ocean. Started having suicidal tendencies these days and frankly I’m not joking. Neither am I being dramatic. I just feel and ask my self is it my fault my job got messed up and nobody is hiring or I’m a lazy man?
Guy: Dave, have you ever felt like running towards the light at the end of the tunnel yet the more you run the further the light at the end of the tunnel becomes? I don’t want to lose hope but day in day out I feel I’m hanging to my sanity by a thread. There are times I break down emotionally and nothing excites me. Then I feel like popping pills.
Guy: But in all, my kids… I think of them and I feel a strand of hope
DBM: You will get back on your feet again.
Guy: David Bondze-Mbir, thanks so much for your time and the listening ear. At times I need someone to talk to without feeling judged, and I know you are one person who will never judge me. You have been a friend, a good one, separated by distance but still feeling your warmth in every episode of your project
DBM: You have given your consent to my sharing this conversation on Facebook. Is there anything you would want us to do to help you not feel this down?
Guy: I give my consent for you to share this with the highest adherence to anonymity.
Guy: To help me, I wish I can get a job. My wife is not a bad person, I feel. Circumstances are leading her astray and I feel if I get a job and the scale balances, I hope and pray things stabilize. But I must confess I can’t say I love my wife anymore. I just hope I can start paying my kids fees, and buying them clothes and stuffs as it used to be.