#MyChatWithHer

My brother-in-law raped me

Have you ever experienced this: somebody seizing your hand, maybe not so aggressively from the start, but then, seems to be holding on to it rather too forcefully, and for a second you kind of come into the realization that, you really may not be that strong as you thought you were to fight back?

Following is our chat:

RO: Hello Dave. I have been reading the comments under the rape case, and I must be honest with you, some comments ought to be deleted. It’s very upsetting.

David Bondze (DB): Good evening

RO: Good evening, Dave. Please delete some of the comments.

DB: Not everybody thinks as you think. I don’t agree with a lot of the things people say, but that’s their opinions. I can’t stop them from having such thoughts.

RO: But this is your page. You own the right to what is and what isn’t. I can’t imagine how the lady would be feeling after reading some of those comments. People can be so inconsiderate.

DB: T’is human nature.

RO: I was raped by my husband’s brother. He came asking my husband for money, my husband told him he didn’t have the amount he was seeking. My husband was traveling then, so he left him in the house – in a hurry. My brother-in-law left and returned hours later. He had gone to drink alcohol. That day was my day of doom. I am a trained health practitioner, I examine victims of rape a lot in my consulting room. I tell rape victims what to do. I educate young girls on these things, but how come my ordeal left me handicapped and horrified, so clueless to the extent that I could not practice any of the ‘emergency pills/visiting a doctor/confiding in a trusted person, reporting the incident to the police, etc.’? My husband doesn’t know about the rape, and one of our kids isn’t his but his brother’s, and he doesn’t know about that too.

DB: Wow!

RO: Dave, that’s the reality on the ground.

DB: I’m terribly sorry.

RO: A lot of us are dealing with so much that, should we open up, you would stop Facebooking. You need to be bold enough to defend the people who are bold enough to share their stories with you. It’s very stupid and silly of people who cannot put themselves in the shoes of others to feel how they could be feeling – to be commenting anyhow, all because they have the right to express their opinions? How about us? How about how such comments affects us? Don’t we also matter?

DB: You matter.

RO: So do the right thing.

DB: Can we talk about you?

RO: What do you want to know about me?

DB: Yesterday’s chat was able to engage in sex with her husband after her ordeal. How were you able to deal with sex with your husband?

RO: I haven’t been able to deal. It’s been over five years, and I still can’t deal. I was lucky, in the sense that, my husband had travelled. So for some months, I was spared the trouble of sex. But when he returned, I was four months pregnant, and we engaged in sex when he pursued. I didn’t want to give room for speculations. I didn’t want to be asked questions to break my emotions either. So I did everything accordingly, as his wife.

DB: Hmmm!

RO: Yes.

DB: And your brother-in-law?

RO: He is there, walking free.

DB: I see.

RO: But hasn’t been to our home since then. He doesn’t talk to my husband. They haven’t talked actually, since their last face-to-face. My husband has made countless attempts to get in touch with him. He’s even visited him at his home, but his wife is always giving excuses to cover her husband. Of course, she doesn’t also know what he did to me.

DB: I see.

RO: Their mother has tried reconciling them, but it’s not holding, so she’s stopped.

DB: Has he apologized to you?

RO: No! And, I don’t want to hear from him.

DB: I see.

RO: My husband and his brother look a little alike, and my son is the exact copy of my brother-in-law. I have had a test done already, and he’s not my husband’s son. It’s only my mother-in-law who has been able to distinguish the looks. She’s told my husband, that particular child looks more like her other son… But hubby isn’t thinking deep, so he’s not seeing. He’s always engrossed with work and how to make money for the home.

DB: Why didn’t your husband help his brother?

RO: He didn’t have. He’s not rich, as a lot of his siblings think. I have loaned my husband a lot of money in the past, to bail his family out. He still owes me so much he’s paying in instalments. I bought his ticket for that journey that day. I earn more than he does. If he says he hasn’t got money on him, he really hasn’t got money on him.

DB: Okay!

RO: Yes.

DB: How is your child doing?

RO: Fine.

DB: I thank GOD.

RO: It’s funny how he’s the one always cheering me up when I’m down. Can you believe it? Lol! He is the only one able to read my moods and say or do something stupidly, funny, to put a smile on my face. There is no dull moment with him around. When he is not home or sick, I am the most miserable. He’s the entertainer of the house. And, very hardworking too.

DB: Your favorite kid?

RO: I wouldn’t say, but he is my husband’s favorite. Oh, and he’s smart too. Very smart kid. Always helping his sibling.

DB: Hmmm! Is your brother-in-law any of his trait?

RO: I don’t know. But my mother-in-law believes he’s more like him than my husband. She knows her kids better.

DB: Do you regret having him?

RO: My son?

DB: Yes.

RO: I don’t know, honestly. But I am happy he is here with me. He keeps me sane.

DB: Tomorrow, the sun will rise on all of your doubts.

RO: It’s already risen, Dave. I love my son. It doesn’t matter the circumstances surrounding his birth. He is not an accident. I am the happiest when I see him.

DB: That’s good.

RO: Women should not be entertaining in-laws who drink excessively. If your husband, friend or family member drinks excessively, you should be on the alert. I am not saying this based on my ordeal. I am saying this based on the numerous consultation encounters. Excessive drinkers act stupidly. They may not be going out raping people, but they all cheat. So many wives have been diagnosed with HIV, and the husbands who brought these to their homes are all excessive drinkers. Excessive drinkers are liars, very good liars. You should not trust their words for the life in you. They are very corrupt, and would always be taking advantage of situations. Very controlling to some extent, and greater part of them – very insecure. They present themselves to be ‘good’ in the open, but are generally not good people. Women should watch out when dating. We deserve better

DB: But people change.

RO: Do you drink?

DB: No, but I am not ‘perfect’.

RO: You used to drink?

DB: Never, but that doesn’t make me a saint.

RO: If you have never drank and you think you can be a mess yourself, then stay that way, because the moment you start drinking, you will be worse.

DB: Hmmm!

RO: That’s the truth.

DB: Okay. But on a serious note, are you okay?

RO: I am not, Dave. I am not. But life goes on, right?

DB: You have a point. Whether we choose to move from our struggles and enjoy life or waddle in our misery, life will continue, with or without us.

RO: Just like that.

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