It’s all wrong but it’s alright

Love is real and it can happen to all of us. However, if we are not discerning enough, an appearance can deceive us. A tone of voice can lead us astray. A sex act can confuse us. The heart of the human being can be insincere, and they can be so charming – even in their mendacity. They can look so genuine you will not be able to tell whether or not you’re or have made the right choice by choosing them. They are in our lives for a specific reason, but make the mistake to accidentally, no longer have what drew them first to you: that’s when you’re going to find out who they really are and how they actually felt about you.

We can never be adequately prepared to love right. No one prepares us enough for marriage. We only get to learn on the journey and be better or worse at it. – DBM

#InboxMessages

“Hello David.

My husband is not rich. He’s striving to make life very comfortable for the family just like every other hardworking, responsible man out there. I respect him for that. My reason for showing interest in his interest in me, and also accepting his marriage proposal was simply because he wanted to settle down. I was desiring to be settled too, in a marriage. So it all made perfect sense to just say ‘yes’, though I wasn’t sure of what I was actually saying ‘yes’ to.

Emotionally, I think he fulfilled me. He liked doing favors for me too. The small-small monies he earned, I enjoyed it too. I used to think we were that cool friends, until things started changing. His responsibilities became much, the kids, the collapse of his company, the debt (bank loans) he had to pay, etc. I thought our love could survive all that, but Dave, when the favors and the monies and the extras weren’t that forthcoming, I could no longer see beyond his flaws.

As I write this letter, everything my husband does pisses me off. And I think I kind of agree with the post you made from the lady whose unemployed husband wants sex. My husband is not able to even dream of getting horny. He is afraid to get an erection around me because I also feel he has no right to be turned on around me. He’s not a lazy man but now all I see about him is laziness. He’s not weak but all I think when I see him is his weakness. His unemployed status is really getting on my last nerve. And I know it’s not his doing, but I am unable to accept that.

I have suddenly changed. I have prayed, I have made attempts to change, but the fact that he sleeps next to me in bed, and can even dare to snore to disrupt my sleep – makes me want to slap him. I can’t help talking to him disrespectfully. It’s wrong, I know, but I just can’t help it.

Now, this is the worst part of it all: my childhood sweetheart has been employed in a firm directly opposite where I work. He was the first man to break my virginity. He was my best sexual experience ever. He is still my best experience. Our relationship back then was heartfelt. It meant the world to the both of us, but for some strange reason we could not keep it together. My parents disapproved of him. My mother could not understand why her daughter could fall in love with ‘that Ewe man.’ That’s how she referred to my ex.

But unlike with my husband, what my ex and I shared was real. None of us was giving more than the other. It was a 50/50 thing. We both contributed towards our relationship equally; emotionally, we both were at par. We both made each other feel important. No one was trying extra hard to please the other.

He was my realest choice of a love affair. No wonder the moment my husband’s circumstances changed, I also changed on him that quickly. My ex and I used to do for each other. We were equals of a sort. I wasn’t draining him, be it in his finances or emotionally. He wasn’t draining me either. But with my husband, I’ve drained him for almost all that he’s worth – and I am still not satisfied with his effort.

I am currently being nice to my husband because I feel I have to, for our kids’ sake. Other times too, I feel like, I do not have a choice. My ex is married but is not happy. I am not happy, Dave. My marriage sucks, and I am not saying this because my husband’s financial status has changed. I am realizing I did not truly love him. And I feel bad about that. I feel sorry for him because he deserves a woman who truly would stay through thick and thin. I am unfortunately, not that woman for him. I am that woman for my ex, and we still have the connection. We’ve already had sex and the spark was just as we left it years ago.

When my ex approached me at my workplace to introduce himself, the first question he asked me was whether or not I ever checked my emails. He was the one who helped me create my first email address. When our relationship wasn’t working, and I had gotten enough knowledge on how to use the internet, I created a new email address and forgot about the first one we both created. I did not even remember my password then. He told me what my first password was, to check my mails. Dave, ‘that Ewe man’ had sent me tons of emails over the years. I checked the dates on each message in the mail from him. He never forgot any of my birthdays. He had tried to reach out to me to tell me he still loved me.

He was schooling in a different region. I had changed my phone number, so he couldn’t reach me through any other means. Hundreds of emails from him alone. When he was dating his wife, he shared it in a mail with me. When he wasn’t hearing from me and had to marry her, he shared it with me. He told me about his honeymoon. When he started making more than enough money, he shared it with me in a mail. When he had his kids, his first side-chick outside marriage, biggest break, when he had to end his relationship with the side-chick because he couldn’t find in her also, ‘me’, etc. His last message to me was when he started this new job as their CFO, opposite mine. He wanted me to find his messages, to find him.

He wants me to take back my place in his heart. He doesn’t want me to divorce my husband, since he has no plans to leave his wife. He says she’s done him no wrong, though he is not in love with her. He’s actually given me GHc 35, 000 to give to my husband to start something again. Free money, Dave, free. It’s not a loan or anything. He just felt like helping the man in the life of his woman. I am unable to bring myself into giving the money to my husband. I wouldn’t know how to explain its source to him without lying. My ex has given me a key to one of his properties for us to meet any day, to catch up on us.

He wants us to start afresh, only, this time in a secret relationship. We cannot be out with this. We can only keep it to ourselves to make something out of it somehow. I am so in love all over again with him, I sometimes even forget my surname. I am not happy in my marriage, especially now that the true love of my life is a phone call away from me. I stand by my office window and can see the window to his office washroom. That’s how close we are now. We stand by our windows every week-day, at 9:30 am, just to wave at each other. I can’t even see my husband when we are in the house together. He could be standing right in-front of me, talking, but Dave, I just can’t see him anymore. All I see in my mind is ‘that Ewe man’. He’s back for me. And I am his. As bad as this message may sound, I was never my husband’s.” – From SR