“How do I make her feel loved and that I am real? We’ve been dating for a few years but I don’t want to get romantic and all emotional. It’s funny because we didn’t start off like this. It was really fun then, but I realized I might make the same mistakes in my previous commitments by being too available. She’s a very lovely person trust me. I want us to be chaste till I put the ring on it. How do I create a fun atmosphere without us going sexual, since it’s a moral value we want to uphold?” – Determined X
Response from Dr. Ewurabena Adams
“Dear Determined X,
Please, to be in love is to be vulnerable! You’ve dated her for a few years and you seem to be sure about her, so let the emotions flow. I’m sorry you had bad experiences in your previous relationships but I’m sure they made you wiser, so use the lessons from the past to live a better present and to create a great future. Do not let it stop you from loving!
We can never fully know a person, so leave room for disappointments because such is life. Don’t live expecting to be disappointed because you made yourself available. Be available and love her fully and genuinely.
If you want to make her feel you love her, then love her according to her definition of love. Women aren’t complex like we make ourselves believe. Ask her about her love language – the things she would like you to do for her, how she wants it done, when she wants it done etc… Dating is the time the right questions are supposed to be asked, so don’t be shy. Don’t assume, just ask! Listen to her! What does she find romantic? Romantic doesn’t mean sexual! And when she tells you her love languages, be truthful to yourself in accessing yourself, if you can do these things for her for the rest of your life then vroooooommm
Also both of you should be international about each other. Do things together! Have fun doing something only she likes, then do something only you like then do something both of like.
I’m always on team chastity. I’m glad both of you made this decision. Well, for starters, both of you should set boundaries – what you can do and what you cannot do. Be truthful to yourselves, if you think watching a romantic movie together in your room alone will trigger you aaaaah, then don’t! If you think French kissing will make you fall aaaah, then don’t! I’m being serious here: hormones are not to be played with, and so know your strengths! The devil won’t take your clothes off, the two of you would, so you need the Holy Spirit to caution you when you are approaching danger. You need a dose of common sense too! Be wise!
Just by the way, make sure to discuss these questions on sex. Eg: How many times in a week will the two of you have sex? What styles does she like? And you? If both of you are green then read books on sex. Google things, be well informed before you marry. Caution: discuss these things in public where you won’t be tempted to practice. Also, be accountable to someone on this journey. It can be a pastor, a family member or even a friend.
Just a tip (if the 2 of you are Christians): My husband and I prayed together a lot whiles dating. We fasted a lot too (well he did most of the fasting , because I almost fainted in theater one day whiles operating). We prayed about a lot of things, and whenever we were praying for our relationship, we used these verses:
1 Corinthians 13:4 – 8a: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Where there is love, we put our names. So for example Love is patient, so Abigail (Andrew) is patient – meaning we prayed for ourselves then for each other to be patient in the relationship.
I’m rooting for you two. Love issa beautiful thing when both of you work hard at it. Enjoy with these glasses of sobolo”.