Allowing the heart to fall in love can be the best decision ever made or the worst. The whole process of being vulnerable and feeling that much in need of someone’s fidelity can be scary sometimes. Especially after giving them your all, and then later finding out they weren’t really seeing or caring the least about your feelings towards them. There is this severe pain whenever we are split open by the one person we expected NOT to hurt us or take us for granted. Incalculable pain. And with each break, each puncture of pain, the heart is able to expand and strengthen its capacity to love. -DBM
VBD: Dave, good morning. I would like to feature for the faithful married women.
David Bondze (DB): Oh, wow! Good morning. How are you doing?
VBD: I’m fine. You?
DB: I am doing alright, thanks. When would be appropriate for the chat?
VBD: After church will be nice. And I wouldn’t want my pic displayed. Lol.
DB: Oh, gurl! You’re killing my mood already. But why?
VBD: My privacy is important to me
DB: Yes please. So, after Church would be what time?
VBD: 2 o’clock should be ok.
DB: Yes please. See you then.
VBD: Dave, Hi
DB: Good afternoon.
VBD: Good afternoon.
DB: Ok. So, you are married?
DB: For how long?
VBD: Today happens to be exactly 12 years since we got married.
DB: Wow! Congratulations!
VBD: Thank you!
VBD: Three of them.
DB: Awwww! Eish, and looking at your profile picture, how old could this woman be?
VBD: Hahahahaaa. Dave, thank you. I’m 38 years.
DB: Wow. You don’t look it. Way younger.
VBD: Thanks once again. I believe it’s genetic, plus God.
DB: I see. How did you two meet?
VBD: On my way to school. We met when I was 17 years, so basically, I’ve known him for 21 years. We got married nine years later.
DB: What about him first attracted your attention.
VBD: It was rather love at first sight for him. I didn’t like him at first, but I liked his physique though. Lol.
DB: Hmmm! How did he look like? Lol!
VBD: I’m short and cute. I like fairly thick, tall guys. He fit the bill.
DB: I see. How did he propose marriage?
VBD: First day he met me, he told me I’m his future wife. That got me pissed off like something.
DB: Hahahaha. Oh, boi!
VBD: Yeah, and I told him he must be crazy, and that, he should go for his meds. Dude made me angrier by telling me, ‘I’m the perfect antidote to his craziness’.
VBD: I did everything in my power to discourage him, he didn’t budge.
DB: He knew what he wanted then.
VBD: He did.
DB: How did you know you two were sexually compatible?
VBD: Well, he taught me most of the things I know when it comes to sex. Plus, I got to know what an orgasm is through him. So I was satisfied.
DB: Do you please him sexually? How important is sex in marriages?
VBD: I do. He never fails to mention it. I came as a virgin but caught on quick.
DB: When did you realize you were that much into him?
VBD: Two years after I met him. Remember I told you I didn’t like him at first, not because of anything. I just wasn’t looking for a relationship. Plus, I had lost my dad, so I had a lot of things on my plate. But he availed himself to me, my mom, and siblings. He endeared himself to everyone so much so that, I couldn’t help but to marvel at his level of love and tenacity. I couldn’t help but to fall for him. I fell in love with his soul, he had so much goodness in him that, I couldn’t believe my luck.
DB: Hmmm! That’s strong.
VBD: I know.
DB: Do you trust his love for you?
VBD: His love for me has never been in question. But has he cheated on me before? The answer is ‘Yes!’
DB: Oh, boi! How did you know?
VBD: I have the gift of dreams. First time he cheated on me, I dreamt about it, I went investigating and found out it was true.
DB: Oh, no!
DB: First time, meaning there is a second time?
DB: Hmmmm! I’m terribly sorry.
VBD: Awww, Dave, I’m over it. But thanks.
DB: You are ONE of my very favorites on Facebook. You are a gospel singer, and you have even helped counsel some of the people who have ever shared their cases with me. How are/were you able to deal with his act?
VBD: It wasn’t easy for me at all: bitterness, anger, pain, hurt. I felt them all. But I decided I wasn’t going to let that change the kind of person I am. I sought refuge in reading, writing and praying. It helped. Sometimes too, after crying, I feel peace.
DB: Hmmm! Do you still love him that much?
VBD: Dave, I love him very much. All my life, he’s the only man I’ve ever been with.
DB: Hmmm! What kind of man/husband is he at home?
VBD: Jovial, helpful, kind, free to talk to. He really had time for his children when he was in the country. Always goofing around with them, and a great provider too.
DB: So, he is not in the country as we speak?
VBD: No. We’ve been apart for four years now.
DB: Smh! So, you are separated or divorced?
VBD: We’re still married. He had to travel outside due to business. He decided to stay, so I come over.
DB: So, he chose work/making a living for the family, over being home/present to you and the kids?
DB: I am terribly sorry. You just spoilt my mood, you know?
VBD: Awww, Dave. I’m a woman who has been through a lot of pain, but it has rather toughened me up.
DB: I was excited when I realized I would chatting with you about your marriage. This is not what I expected.
VBD: Don’t be. Pain is part of life.
DB: And, you’ve been faithful, still, to him, though you’ve been apart for four years?
VBD: Dave, I’ve been faithful to him for 21 years.
DB: Oh, bless your very BEAUTIFUL heart.
VBD: Thank you . I’ve been faithful not because I don’t get men proposing to me. As a matter of fact, I was heavily pregnant with my second born when someone offered to marry me. And that man was damned serious, he wasn’t bothered by my pregnant state at all. But I CHOSE to stay faithful.
DB: Last two questions on the infidelity thing: Did he cheat on you while you two were together or when he chose work over you and the kids?
VBD: The funny thing is, he cheated on me when he was in the country. But now that he’s alone over there, he’s been faithful. I KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.
DB: Do you think you deserve him or better, or he is better?
VBD: He is better, despite all his shortcomings, his love for me has never changed. He told me he was brought into this world to love me, and I believe him.
DB: Do you forgive that easily?
VBD: I had a problem with unforgiveness, and I didn’t like what it was turning me into. So one day, I decided to rise above everything and forgive him FOR ME. When I took that decision, it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I could have cheated in retaliation, but I wasn’t going to make myself dirty just to spite him. So I CHOSE to forgive and still keep myself pure.
DB: Is this the kind of marriage you dreamed of?
VBD: No. I never dreamt I would marry for my hubby to cheat on me, but that goes to show life is not a given, and it’s not everything you want in this world that you will get.
DB: Are you staying in this marriage till death do you part, or, should the very best of men – show up in your face one day, to surprise you with love excelling – you would give it a shot?
VBD: I’m in for the long haul. I’ve met some of these best men, I was tempted but I chose to walk away. I prefer to water my own grass, than to look for another one somewhere.
DB: Speak to any woman reading this chat – who might have been cheated on, or would be cheated on someday.
VBD: Sure. What I want to say is, we all have dreams, aspirations, hopes, but along the way, things don’t work out the way we imagined. People don’t behave exactly how we want them to, plans sometimes go awry. You might be hit with a pain that can bring you down to your knees: cry if you must, go through the grieving process, but NEVER EVER let someone’s infidelity or failings change or turn you into a worst version of yourself. If you can’t deal with it, WALK OUT! But never cheat back in retaliation or revenge. That puts you on the same scale as the one who did same to you.
DB: Hmmm! It’s been a refreshing conversation. Thank you so much for your time. I appreciate you.
VBD: Thank you too, Dave.
DB: You’re welcome.