I am torn between writing this now or waiting till my rainbow appears. But I might not get this opportunity again, so I’d give it a go. I am married for Nine (9) years now. Growing up was fun. I have an amazing family and a large one at that: you know the kind where you have cousins and siblings living together and you all are so closely knit. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t have everything but we had a huge dose of laughter and happiness.
I smile as I write this because the memories are just what keeps me through everything.
I am a foreigner here who resides in Ghana, courtesy of my marriage to a Ghanaian. All my life I have planned every aspect of it: I knew what should happen at every stage and God made it happen. I received answers every time I cried to God, and prayed for a change in any difficult situation. I knew God had my back, and I work hard too because I believe that God will only bless my hard work. At some point after I got married, I felt God didn’t care anymore.
When I was ready for marriage I got married, and the next step was to start having babies, Three (3) to be precise. But then I had a rude awakening. We couldn’t have children easily like others could, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t wish myself out of it. I couldn’t read my way into the good grades of fertility, neither could I pray it away. I just couldn’t do anything but rely on others to help me.
I don’t do well with reliance on other people but I had to learn. Nine years in a childless marriage has taught me so many things I could never have learnt otherwise. I have cried in my room so many times that I stopped counting. I have been so angry at God that I just didn’t want to serve Him anymore. I have been so moody and depressed that I couldn’t recognize me anymore.
Name it David, and I can tell you I have experienced that emotion. I have been told hurtful things by people who do not understand my struggle. I have been asked stupid questions that makes me want to scream. I have been let down by the very same person who vowed to be ‘my everything’ in this strange land.
But then again, like a Phoenix, I rose from my ashes of pain and misery and self-pity, self-loathing, insecurity, shame and worthlessness. I told myself that I was worth fighting for, I told God that I love Him and that, I get it now, that I was going to live and serve Him and be happy because a condition cannot define me.
I got busy, I went back to school and I’m now in my final year (almost there.) I made friends (which is a difficult thing here because the people I met were some of the most hypocritical people I had ever met). I fell in love with living again. However, in the midst of all these good vibes, I didn’t notice that I had become more empathetic, patient and tough skinned.
I now choose my battles wisely and I never let anything bother me nor weigh me down. I thought I had heard all the mockery and false accusations till a sister at church who didn’t and still doesn’t know I understand Twi, spoke about me to another sister right before me, and their conversation was like:
1st sister: “Oh, I pray for ‘sis’ to have a baby. That baby will be lucky”
2nd sister: “Oh, don’t pray for her. She doesn’t want a child. I know all she wants is money. Have you ever seen her sad or even say anything about her childlessness? She has done family planning to lock up her womb so that she will not get pregnant. She is such a selfish woman she doesn’t even care about her husband. Please let’s pray for ourselves.”
She was talking and smiling to me. I was mad and so ready to take down the house that day but I remembered how far I had come from a bad place to a much better place. I decided that it was not worth my anger.
Haha, I don’t have a child yet (I know you are expecting some good news after the long tale) but I have good health, I have a family that loves me deeply, I have found good friends and I am no longer a sad person. I still have a lot to accomplish but I am grateful for how far this journey called life has brought me.
I am ME, finally!” – From Khad O-A