Fake love

I have spent 3 years trying to please you, I tried to be the person you wanted, gave up my life, spirit and begged for acceptance.
I realized there is nothing I can do to convince you that I am also a human being. Your love was an illusion, it’s wasn’t real.
You drain me out of my identity and injected self doubt into my veins and left me questioning my own sanity, walk around and told others that I need psychological help.

I’m still trying to scrub your heavy words off my skin, my mental state have been shaken to its core. I have really never told people how bad things have gotten.

You got to portray the appearance of being a decent human being.
Honestly knowing the real you, make me sick that people like you actually exit. I’m grieving the fake you as insane as it sounds, the person I thought you were.

I have two totally different people in my head and it’s crazy. But it’s true I’m still grieving the times that things were good, real. It was real to me, and it hurts, yes I admit it. I’m not ashamed to admit I miss that guy, don’t get me wrong ,I don’t love the person you actually are, I despise that person I have to grieve and let go of that amazing guy I met.

That man who will never stand somewhere and rejoice over my shame or abuse me emotionally by his words.
I’m starting to remember who I was before you convinced me that I was worthless.
I don’t care if you were born this way or you are a product of a difficult past. You destroy lives, that’s what you do now and you will never change.

It’s not my responsibility to feel bad about this; you fooled me into loving a fake person.
I’m surviving that and now I have a chance to live life free from your mind games. Unlike you I’m capable of change, you make it seem like everything is always my fault, and my feelings are being seen as a drama.

I’m afraid to talk to you or point out certain things just to avoid any argument because I will end up being blamed. I keep telling myself I need to leave this situation then ends up coming back.

In my head you created an illusion that I’m not good enough for anybody, that’s the only reason I keep coming back.
It’s never because they didn’t want me. I felt weak and I had no idea how I was ever going to come up with the strength again. I kept coming back because of our kids and as much as you try to poison people about how I maltreated them, only God knows how much I loved these kids.

They are a reminder of a love I once experienced and there is nothing or no one that can make me stop loving them.
I have lost hope in you and I have lost hope in me, not only that the things I have seen and what I have read in your own words when you sent them to my long time friend, all because you wanted to have your way with her.
In you I found my best friend.

There was nothing we didn’t talk about and there is not a secret I didn’t reveal. All these things were cheaply sold outside and all for what?
I keep telling and lying to myself that you will change but you will never admit that you are wrong, nothing is ever your fault.
Silent treatment and neglect is something I’m used to by you especially when I point out one of your flaws, I’m worthless and not good enough.

I know that if God sent me the man I’m called to be with, this man will not only speak to my flesh but he will speak to my spirit,I know he will love me in ways that you didn’t and I know it’s not going to be today, tomorrow or next year but it will be worth waiting.

I know I will be his priority and not his backup plan. I have tolerated a lot, I was told and believed I was worthless by you.
Today you actually open your mouth to insult me just because I’m trying to point something to you and even call me a bad luck. It is well and it shall be well. I’m actually glad I got to hear some things out of your own mouth today. I6t wasn’t pleasant but it’s a lesson.

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