#MyChatWithHer

Being his legal wife helps should he die

Marriage as we all know is work. Work is difficult enough as it is without adding poverty to the mix. She likes him now, and is even thinking he completes her in many ways. Should money be a factor in a woman’s decision to pursuing a lifelong commitment with a guy? Can lack of money turn a fairy-tale marriage into a nightmare? Is it true that whatever the heart chooses for its own personal reasons, can equally unchoose later in life again, for its own personal reasons?

Why do we get married? – DBM

 

YO: Dave, hello

David Bondze (DB): Hello! How are you doing?

YO: Fine. How are you?

DB: I am doing alright, thank you.

YO: I’m getting married …

DB: Oh, wow! That’s good news. Congratulations! Lol! Why am I always excited about these kinds of news? Lol!

YO: To a man I do not love

DB: You do not love?

YO: Yes

DB: I don’t understand. Why are you marrying him then? Are you being forced into this?

YO: No. I am doing this on my own

DB: But why?

YO: I need the money

DB: You need money?

YO: He has a lot of it. He needs someone to spend it with

DB: Why are you marrying him?

YO: So I can legally benefit. I will miss out if I remain just his girlfriend.

DB: You don’t love him?

YO: Not really, but I think he does

DB: I see

YO: Yes

DB: Do you work?

YO: Yes

DB: Hmmm! So, you earn a decent salary?

YO: Yes, but you know the system. The money is never enough. Marriage to him means sharing of our living expenses. The typical Ghanaian man will take charge of all that. He will be the ‘head’

DB: Does he know that you do not love him?

YO: No. Why should he know? It would break his heart. Secondly, he’s marrying a beautiful lady. That’s his trophy, his compensation.

DB: So, you’re just acting along?

YO: I need someone to help me and my family financially, Dave. And no man would want to give out free money. They would want something/favors in return: sex, attention, commitment, love or marriage

DB: Which did your man want in return?

YO: All

DB: He told you he wanted all that?

YO: No, but he does

DB: How do you know?

YO: He’s a man, Dave.

DB: I see

YO: The opposite attracts

DB: Smh!

YO: I get what I want, he gets what he wants, and even more

DB: What’s the more?

YO: He will get to have beautiful kids with me. That’s a bonus on the icing

DB: I see

YO: Yes

DB: You want kids?

YO: I love kids. Yes

DB: I see

YO: And he wants kids too. He can take care of them and make their lives comfortable. My children will get the security they would need. Better health insurance coverages, attend the best of schools for education, everything I never had, they will get. They will eat good food, travel, be in the right circle of friends and have good connections, etc.

DB: Your parents, do they know about your reason for this whole marriage thing?

YO: No, not sure. But my mother is excited. At least, she wouldn’t have to know poverty her entire lifetime

DB: I see

YO: Dave, it’s not the best of decisions, but it’s a way out for some of us. When I was in school, I had a group of friends, who all dreamed this dream. They are all married, living the dream

DB: With men they do not love?

YO: With men who make their lives very comfortable. Love is just, love. Four letter words. Nothing more. They are happy

DB: What about love?

YO: They have love, a lot of love

DB: From their husbands?

YO: Of course, but not just their husbands, they have love for and from their kids

DB: Who are they in love with?

YO: Dave, you ask too many questions. Lol!

DB: I’m sorry

YO: I have a boyfriend. The one I really love. But he understands the situation. And he’s cool with it. He cannot help me take care of my sick brother, or help me pay my little sister’s fees. He cannot help me take care of my parents.

DB: Hmmm!

YO: He will also get married to another woman, but keep the connection between us. We have it all worked out. We will be fine

DB: What’s wrong with your brother?

YO: Blood cancer

DB: Leukemia?

YO: Yes

DB: I’m sorry

YO: Thanks. I’m not really a bad person. I just need to survive

DB: Your girlfriends, who do they love?

YO: Lol!

DB: I’m just curious, that’s all. I want to know how they get to also experience true love

YO: They have men they are seeing outside of marriage

DB: Men that they love?

YO: Men that they are in love with

DB: I see

YO: And once our spouses die, being legally married to such men only helps us the women, for all our sacrifices and endurance

DB: You’re impossible

YO: Lol. That was just a joke

DB: That was not a joke. That is part of your decision

YO: Well, true

DB: And I don’t judge you

YO: Thank you.

DB: Why did you reach out to me?

YO: I do not know, Dave. I just need someone to talk to. I don’t feel right by it, but do I have a choice?

DB: We always have a choice.

YO: Hmmm

DB: I would not advise anyone to marry simply because they may deem it to be financially advantageous.

YO: Put yourself in my shoes. Should a woman not pursue happiness?

DB:   You deserve to be happy. We all deserve happiness

YO: Yes

DB: However, is this kind of pursuit for happiness that durable and an unchanging footing upon which to form a lifelong, committed love?

YO: We can’t all be perfect, Dave?

DB: What’s the goal?

YO: Goal?

DB: For your marriage

YO: Oh, but I have already told you. It is happiness

DB: You know happiness is an emotion, right?

YO: Oh, really?

DB: And just like all other emotions, it’s here today, it’s gone tomorrow. It comes and goes

YO: Hmmm.

DB: I do not know much, but I don’t think the point of marriage is happiness

YO: What is it then?

DB: I don’t know. Maybe, just maybe, growth.

YO: Dave, I don’t have a choice

DB: How old are you?

YO: 28

DB: What’s your level of education?

YO: Bachelor’s degree

DB: Who do you need to become to get the kinds of results you want in life?

YO: I need to be rich, Dave. I need money

DB: What are the options available to you?

YO: Marrying a rich man

DB: That’s the first option. What is the second option?

YO: Furthering my education

DB: Third option?

YO: Get a good paying job, etc. But all these will take years. My brother’s medical bills can’t wait for years. My sister needs to go to school

DB: What work do your parents do?

YO: My father drives someone’s trotro. My mother is a petty trader

DB: I see

YO: Do you understand my predicament?

DB: I do. But you owe him the truth. You need to come clean to him. He has to know you’re doing this not for love.

YO: He will leave me. No.

DB: Does he know about your brother’s ill health?

YO: Yes

DB: And, does he look like the type of man to help someone in need?

YO: I think so

DB: Ask him for help

YO: I have, many times. He has helped me and my family a lot already

DB: Okay

YO: I’m just making things legal

DB: Whose idea was it?

YO: What?

DB: The marriage

YO: It was his

DB: Did you encourage it indirectly?

YO: Lol! Eiiii, David Papa Bondze-Mbir and questions. Lol

DB: You made him want to marry you?

YO: About 40% indirect pressure on him.

DB: Okay. And, he’s a single man, right?

YO: Very single

DB: Your true love, is he really cool with all this?

YO: No, but he understands.

DB: Which part of it?

YO: The money part. I have been giving him money since I met this rich guy. He’s furthering his education and all. I helped rent his apartment. He is benefiting too. He understands.

DB: Are you sleeping with both men?

YO: Yes.

DB: Hmmm

YO: People do it all the time. It’s nothing new

DB: You are not ‘people’. You are YOU! Is this what you want?

YO: I want to be happy

DB: To what end? Because this is not going to bring you happiness. Your marriage will not be what you want it to be, if you do not take a stand now to do the right thing

YO: What is the right thing, Dave? Tell me.

DB: Do the right thing

YO: What is the right thing?

DB: Do the right thing

YO: You’ve not said anything. What is the right thing, Dave? Will you give me money – so I wouldn’t have to do this?

DB: I don’t have money. I need money more than you do

YO: Great. So you get the point?

DB: I believe in love

YO: I believe in love too. I have love

DB: I believe in faithfulness. I believe in committing to just one person intimately, in a relationship

YO: I used to believe in that too, until I was faced with a challenge

DB: If you do not know how to suffer, you are worst off

YO: I have suffered enough, Dave. You don’t have a clue

DB: There are times when the only right thing to do is to bear out the troubles until a better day comes.

YO: Is this not my better day that has come?

DB: Which of the two would you want to serve in a marriage?

YO: Why that question?

DB: I want to be sure you know exactly what you are about. Which of these two men would you want to please?

YO: Does it matter?

DB: You are about getting married. Yes, it matters. Is he the man you’d be willing to make happy, and at ease, and worry-free? Is he the man you’d be willing to agree with, regardless, and also accommodate, even when he is being offensive, mean, stupid, and insensitive?

YO: Hmmm

DB: Are you willing to want to protect and defend him from anything that could make him feel challenged (should he go broke) or rough?

YO: I don’t know

DB: You need to know, because you are going to marry him? Are you okay with the idea of growing old with a man you do not love?

YO: I don’t know

DB: Do you have his best interest at heart? Do you know what that even means, to have someone’s best interest at heart? Are you willing to stand by his side, to help him, to support him? Is he the man you’d want to confront with the truth? Because already, this marriage is going to be built on a lie. Why does your true love know about the rich man, and the rich man doesn’t know about the existence of your true lover?

YO: Chat anon

DB: Okay!

 

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