
Marriage as we all know is work. Work is difficult enough as it is without adding poverty to the mix. She likes him now, and is even thinking he completes her in many ways. Should money be a factor in a woman’s decision to pursuing a lifelong commitment with a guy? Can lack of money turn a fairy-tale marriage into a nightmare? Is it true that whatever the heart chooses for its own personal reasons, can equally unchoose later in life again, for its own personal reasons?
Why do we get married? – DBM
YO: Dave, hello
David Bondze (DB): Hello! How are you doing?
YO: Fine. How are you?
DB: I am doing alright, thank you.
YO: I’m getting married …
DB: Oh, wow! That’s good news. Congratulations! Lol! Why am I always excited about these kinds of news? Lol!
YO: To a man I do not love
DB: You do not love?
YO: Yes
DB: I don’t understand. Why are you marrying him then? Are you being forced into this?
YO: No. I am doing this on my own
DB: But why?
YO: I need the money
DB: You need money?
YO: He has a lot of it. He needs someone to spend it with
DB: Why are you marrying him?
YO: So I can legally benefit. I will miss out if I remain just his girlfriend.
DB: You don’t love him?
YO: Not really, but I think he does
DB: I see
YO: Yes
DB: Do you work?
YO: Yes
DB: Hmmm! So, you earn a decent salary?
YO: Yes, but you know the system. The money is never enough. Marriage to him means sharing of our living expenses. The typical Ghanaian man will take charge of all that. He will be the ‘head’
DB: Does he know that you do not love him?
YO: No. Why should he know? It would break his heart. Secondly, he’s marrying a beautiful lady. That’s his trophy, his compensation.
DB: So, you’re just acting along?
YO: I need someone to help me and my family financially, Dave. And no man would want to give out free money. They would want something/favors in return: sex, attention, commitment, love or marriage
DB: Which did your man want in return?
YO: All
DB: He told you he wanted all that?
YO: No, but he does
DB: How do you know?
YO: He’s a man, Dave.
DB: I see
YO: The opposite attracts
DB: Smh!
YO: I get what I want, he gets what he wants, and even more
DB: What’s the more?
YO: He will get to have beautiful kids with me. That’s a bonus on the icing
DB: I see
YO: Yes
DB: You want kids?
YO: I love kids. Yes
DB: I see
YO: And he wants kids too. He can take care of them and make their lives comfortable. My children will get the security they would need. Better health insurance coverages, attend the best of schools for education, everything I never had, they will get. They will eat good food, travel, be in the right circle of friends and have good connections, etc.
DB: Your parents, do they know about your reason for this whole marriage thing?
YO: No, not sure. But my mother is excited. At least, she wouldn’t have to know poverty her entire lifetime
DB: I see
YO: Dave, it’s not the best of decisions, but it’s a way out for some of us. When I was in school, I had a group of friends, who all dreamed this dream. They are all married, living the dream
DB: With men they do not love?
YO: With men who make their lives very comfortable. Love is just, love. Four letter words. Nothing more. They are happy
DB: What about love?
YO: They have love, a lot of love
DB: From their husbands?
YO: Of course, but not just their husbands, they have love for and from their kids
DB: Who are they in love with?
YO: Dave, you ask too many questions. Lol!
DB: I’m sorry
YO: I have a boyfriend. The one I really love. But he understands the situation. And he’s cool with it. He cannot help me take care of my sick brother, or help me pay my little sister’s fees. He cannot help me take care of my parents.
DB: Hmmm!
YO: He will also get married to another woman, but keep the connection between us. We have it all worked out. We will be fine
DB: What’s wrong with your brother?
YO: Blood cancer
DB: Leukemia?
YO: Yes
DB: I’m sorry
YO: Thanks. I’m not really a bad person. I just need to survive
DB: Your girlfriends, who do they love?
YO: Lol!
DB: I’m just curious, that’s all. I want to know how they get to also experience true love
YO: They have men they are seeing outside of marriage
DB: Men that they love?
YO: Men that they are in love with
DB: I see
YO: And once our spouses die, being legally married to such men only helps us the women, for all our sacrifices and endurance
DB: You’re impossible
YO: Lol. That was just a joke
DB: That was not a joke. That is part of your decision
YO: Well, true
DB: And I don’t judge you
YO: Thank you.
DB: Why did you reach out to me?
YO: I do not know, Dave. I just need someone to talk to. I don’t feel right by it, but do I have a choice?
DB: We always have a choice.
YO: Hmmm
DB: I would not advise anyone to marry simply because they may deem it to be financially advantageous.
YO: Put yourself in my shoes. Should a woman not pursue happiness?
DB: You deserve to be happy. We all deserve happiness
YO: Yes
DB: However, is this kind of pursuit for happiness that durable and an unchanging footing upon which to form a lifelong, committed love?
YO: We can’t all be perfect, Dave?
DB: What’s the goal?
YO: Goal?
DB: For your marriage
YO: Oh, but I have already told you. It is happiness
DB: You know happiness is an emotion, right?
YO: Oh, really?
DB: And just like all other emotions, it’s here today, it’s gone tomorrow. It comes and goes
YO: Hmmm.
DB: I do not know much, but I don’t think the point of marriage is happiness
YO: What is it then?
DB: I don’t know. Maybe, just maybe, growth.
YO: Dave, I don’t have a choice
DB: How old are you?
YO: 28
DB: What’s your level of education?
YO: Bachelor’s degree
DB: Who do you need to become to get the kinds of results you want in life?
YO: I need to be rich, Dave. I need money
DB: What are the options available to you?
YO: Marrying a rich man
DB: That’s the first option. What is the second option?
YO: Furthering my education
DB: Third option?
YO: Get a good paying job, etc. But all these will take years. My brother’s medical bills can’t wait for years. My sister needs to go to school
DB: What work do your parents do?
YO: My father drives someone’s trotro. My mother is a petty trader
DB: I see
YO: Do you understand my predicament?
DB: I do. But you owe him the truth. You need to come clean to him. He has to know you’re doing this not for love.
YO: He will leave me. No.
DB: Does he know about your brother’s ill health?
YO: Yes
DB: And, does he look like the type of man to help someone in need?
YO: I think so
DB: Ask him for help
YO: I have, many times. He has helped me and my family a lot already
DB: Okay
YO: I’m just making things legal
DB: Whose idea was it?
YO: What?
DB: The marriage
YO: It was his
DB: Did you encourage it indirectly?
YO: Lol! Eiiii, David Papa Bondze-Mbir and questions. Lol
DB: You made him want to marry you?
YO: About 40% indirect pressure on him.
DB: Okay. And, he’s a single man, right?
YO: Very single
DB: Your true love, is he really cool with all this?
YO: No, but he understands.
DB: Which part of it?
YO: The money part. I have been giving him money since I met this rich guy. He’s furthering his education and all. I helped rent his apartment. He is benefiting too. He understands.
DB: Are you sleeping with both men?
YO: Yes.
DB: Hmmm
YO: People do it all the time. It’s nothing new
DB: You are not ‘people’. You are YOU! Is this what you want?
YO: I want to be happy
DB: To what end? Because this is not going to bring you happiness. Your marriage will not be what you want it to be, if you do not take a stand now to do the right thing
YO: What is the right thing, Dave? Tell me.
DB: Do the right thing
YO: What is the right thing?
DB: Do the right thing
YO: You’ve not said anything. What is the right thing, Dave? Will you give me money – so I wouldn’t have to do this?
DB: I don’t have money. I need money more than you do
YO: Great. So you get the point?
DB: I believe in love
YO: I believe in love too. I have love
DB: I believe in faithfulness. I believe in committing to just one person intimately, in a relationship
YO: I used to believe in that too, until I was faced with a challenge
DB: If you do not know how to suffer, you are worst off
YO: I have suffered enough, Dave. You don’t have a clue
DB: There are times when the only right thing to do is to bear out the troubles until a better day comes.
YO: Is this not my better day that has come?
DB: Which of the two would you want to serve in a marriage?
YO: Why that question?
DB: I want to be sure you know exactly what you are about. Which of these two men would you want to please?
YO: Does it matter?
DB: You are about getting married. Yes, it matters. Is he the man you’d be willing to make happy, and at ease, and worry-free? Is he the man you’d be willing to agree with, regardless, and also accommodate, even when he is being offensive, mean, stupid, and insensitive?
YO: Hmmm
DB: Are you willing to want to protect and defend him from anything that could make him feel challenged (should he go broke) or rough?
YO: I don’t know
DB: You need to know, because you are going to marry him? Are you okay with the idea of growing old with a man you do not love?
YO: I don’t know
DB: Do you have his best interest at heart? Do you know what that even means, to have someone’s best interest at heart? Are you willing to stand by his side, to help him, to support him? Is he the man you’d want to confront with the truth? Because already, this marriage is going to be built on a lie. Why does your true love know about the rich man, and the rich man doesn’t know about the existence of your true lover?
YO: Chat anon
DB: Okay!
Papa, i am left in state of melancholy after the read. I cannot judge her for circumstances have led many to arrive at the decisions favorable to their interests. The lady has set herself out as a conduit for liberation. She should build herself up for the awaiting pressure. She needs a lot of skills to manage both men. I will advise that she finds a peaceful means to discard the boyfriend. If she wants to do outside, which i don’t suscribe to, it will be better for her to do a neutral than someone who has feelings for her. It could be damaging to her relationship with the hus-to-be.
Indeed! Hmmmm
I am even confuse. sometimes you don’t even know what this women are out there looking for. if you are out for a rich man you have gotten one, stay and concentrate too is a problem. Hmmmmmmm
Hmmm!
hmmmm but has asked herself how this Rich man is going to react when he finds out she has a lover outside? is she aware people have gone missing for having extra marital affair? what if she gets married and the man is abusive (both emotionally and physically)? will she continue to be in the marriage just because of the money she is getting?
she needs to answer so many questions before going into this, if not she ll come out the loser.
and by the way there is no theory out there that shows that husbands die b4 their wives unless she is thinking of murdering him. hmmmmmm
Hmmm! Good point
I’m very concerned, I’m asking myself a lot of “what if” questions.
*What if the rich guy looses all his money after you’ve had children?
*What if the boyfriend you love falls in love with the lady he marries and doesn’t want to see her again.
*What if the rich man finds out later and decides not to support you and your family again and you loose everything.
Marriage is such a big step even when you love the person, how much more if there’s no love
Hmmm!
Who at all created money? Money and the situations of life has led and is leading lots of people to take certain decisions at one point in time that makes them feel that they would be happy but eventually it only leads to unhappiness. I think this lady is headed for doom. Her boyfriend is likely to find someone he also loves,marry and move on . Is she ready to face all the rest of her days on earth waking up to a man she doesn’t love? For me ,I get irritated even by a simple question asked by someone I do not love. Hmmmm.