Yesterday evening, I was on phone for a very long time with one of my good friends. Her husband packed out of their home, two days ago to be with his new found love in a place he had rented. My friend and I talked into the night we almost slept around 12:00 AM. That was a first for me, because I don’t do late night phone calls. It was a good talk. We both admitted it was a good talk, because we laughed throughout the whole of our conversation: A laughter not of malice but of hope: the ‘everything happens for a reason’ kind of laughter. The ‘everything is going to be alright’ laughter that eventually, left the both of us feeling so refreshed.
Who would have thought there is laughter, even in pain? Her hurt hasn’t vanished, no! It’s still present somewhere in her system, however, she stopped feeling it yester-night. She stopped feeling angry. She stopped feeling bitter. She stopped feeling wasted, and broken, rejected, insulted, unfairly judged and taken for granted, and also, to the gutters. She stopped feeling all those ‘negative’ feelings yesterday evening. I was somewhat amazed because she had cried in my face, and also, on phone just days ago… So what had changed?
Something had changed and she infected me with that positive change. A woman I know came into my inbox requesting to want to chat with any of the women I had made that earlier post about on Facebook. I talked to this my then, broken friend to consider granting this woman in my inbox an audience, and she agreed to. That was the source of her new found energy to want to live, even after everything else.
Your husband or wife is in your life for a reason. And this reason may be for either a season or for a lifetime. Do you know why your partner or spouse is in your life today? Because until you figure out the ‘why’, you may not be able to understand exactly what to do with him or her. My friend had a need, over 15 years ago, and she expressed it. Her husband came into her life, also with his own said needs. Whatever their individual needs were, they were there for each other, in the good and the not-so-good times. They helped themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. They were both there for one another, for the reasons they both needed each other for.
So when their seasonal reason of being together was coming to an end, and her husband started to change, keeping secrets, and lying about them, cheating and sleeping around with other women, she did not get it. When her husband’s sudden actions put her in a state of aloneness, and hurt for years, she could not believe she could also be that human, and vulnerable to want to submit her emotions to a long distance friendship. She fell in love with a man she hadn’t met. A man she thought she liked, and was hoping to someday, meet with him to say ‘hello! Thank you for helping me to not feel so alone.’ I don’t know if they’ve met or would ever meet, but her husband found out about their text exchanges on phone and his ego would not permit him to deal.
This life eh, you do not do unto others what you do not expect others to do unto you. This should be a Bible quotation, right? I think it’s in the Bible. I can’t remember but it sounds like it. But yeah, that’s that! You are being physical and emotional with other women, she was just being emotional via text/phone, and you vex? To the extent of humiliating her to yours and her family, badmouthing her to girls you sleep with? Disrespecting her in the home your kids stay? Making a spectacle out of your marriage to your wife?
Your purpose in his or her life is DONE!
Some may die. Some may pack out of the marriage to go and be with others. Some, may just be unreasonable for whatever reason. But whatever is bringing your relationship or marriage to an end, see it as what it is: PURPOSE FULFILLED! NEEDS MET! Your work, and his work in your lives, DONE!
You may feel like crying, of course, cry if it would aid you ease tension. But don’t cry for long. You are not defined by his or her presence in your life. You are a man or a woman of your own. Before he or she came into your life, you were surviving. They might have supported you through a tough moment. They may have been the perfect company to keep at a certain time. They might have even been your escape. But you were surviving, and you will survive. You don’t have to beg anyone leaving you, to stay anymore. Let them go if they have new purposes to fulfill in other women or men. Allow them to go and share, learn and grow with their new drives. They deserve to be happy, you know? And so do you. Never prevent any man or woman who chooses others over you from leaving. Give them that freedom they need to explore other territories. It’s their choice. You don’t own them.
Give yourself time to heal. Give yourself time to express a different need, and allow time to bring that person whose desire you are to fulfill, either for another season or for a lifetime anew. You are good enough for you. You are good enough for someone else. Someone somewhere is dreaming about you. Someone somewhere is thinking about how to come into contact with you, in your exact qualities and current state: single, divorced, widow, widower, barren, uneducated, poor, rich, employed, unemployed, single parent with a kid, two kids, three kids, four kids, five kids or seven kids.
Someone wants someone just like you.
Life happens, so accept this truth! Being an option hurts like hell. I’ve been there too. I know how it feels like. I know how it feels like to be tagged with names, and judged, and ridiculed. I have been rejected before. I have experienced heartbreak. I have been alone, I have cried but so have others. And until last night, I wouldn’t have been able to take this deep breath to be so thankful for the experience with whoever once fulfilled a purpose in my life. Everyone is in your life for a reason. And if we can all see the people in our lives from this light, we’d never be jealous, angry, bitter, resentful, hurt so much so that we’re unable to forgive. No! You can forgive. Forgiveness would be made so easy you’d be amazed at yourself.
Refuse to let this lost love ruin your hopes for that better future prepared for you in the unknown man or woman desiring for you. You ought not be consumed by grief. For this is just another phase in your life. Phases pass away. If you were able to find love once, you will find love again. If you’ve never loved before, you will fall in love to understand what it means and feels like to love and be loved back. You are not alone! Don’t be afraid of what can come. Your heart is too sexy and fine to give up on.
Maame Ama, smile with the man who just stared at you. Ekow, say ‘hello’ to the lady trying to get your attention. Yaa, wave at that man accidentally waving at you. Mina, flirt graciously with that guy you know is eyeing and making indirect advances towards you – if you think you like him too. Koku, be nice to that lady you don’t find attractive. There’s nothing wrong in being nice. Just don’t shut yourself off from the unknown. Life is all about risks. You can never know anyone well enough to be careful around them. Don’t let a past experience dictate your present openings.
Love is worth falling for.
By David Bondze-Mbir