It’s only women who believe they really are not good enough, that would continue staying and putting up with all these men who are in themselves, not good enough. That disrespectful, immature, irresponsible and clueless man you are allowing your children to model, all in the name of fatherhood/marriage, is not your all in all. He may have been good at a point, but you deserve better. And there is a better man out there somewhere. Even with that better man, there is a best to his version out there.
You deserve more than average. And any man who makes you feel like AVERAGE, is below AVERAGE. Why settle for LESS? – DBM
“When my husband-to-be asked me to marry him, I had been divorced for almost three years. Dating another man was the last thing on my mind. Marriage was not registered on the mind. With four kids in my care, I couldn’t add another responsibility and challenge to pursue. Love wasn’t lovely. I was not interested in falling in love. I could not even trust myself with another man, let alone with my heart. I did not trust men, because my ex-husband was supposed to be that example of a ‘good’ in men, but he turned out not to be at the end. I woke up one day to the realization that, a husband wasn’t everything I hoped for after all. There were more important things to life, like my kids and their happiness, my happiness and career.
It was the birthday of my third child, and I wanted us to celebrate him in our own small way as a family. My boy drives me crazy but I sometimes can’t help loving him like crazy. We had a small celebration for him, and then went to the photo studio to take professional pictures. I took soft copies of the nice photos to upload on Facebook. Exactly 23 minutes after making the post, my fiancé came my way. He was not my Facebook friend. I did not know anything about him. A mutual friend of ours had ‘liked’ the uploaded photo, and it had appeared on his newsfeed. He loved the picture I had taken with my kids, and so he checked on my Facebook profile, and then sent me a friendship request. Less than a minute after accepting his request, he made his first comment under the post:
“Are you single?”
I hadn’t even seen his question. It was an ongoing banter between him and one of my female friends under his comment that caught my attention. My friend (whom I hadn’t yet informed I was divorced) was querying his intentions for that question. She had actually even replied my fiancé, telling him I wasn’t single. Alec responded, asking her if it was her post he had commented under, and it became another unnecessary argument. I thought it was funny, and kind of sweet of him too, so I allowed him to have his moment on my timeline. I read every reply he gave to my friend. My friend was at a point getting angry, and was very rude to him with her choice of words, but Alec, was the man. He impressed me with his gentleness, and courtesy, his intelligence and smart.
At my age, it takes a whole lot for a man to ‘wow’ me. I have seen a lot. I have done a lot. I know a lot, so when it comes to the character of a man, I look beyond his physical features. Alec knows how to talk to a woman. He respects people. He understands people. He can communicate sense without being disrespectful. I thought it was cool of him to think of me and the kids as beautiful. He is not like the many that only talk the talk. He meant what he said, and it meant a lot to me. I checked his profile account out, read what I could about him, and then, in-boxed him. I thanked him for sending me a friendship request, and then introduced myself briefly to him. He did same, and then asked his question again. I told him I was divorced, and he showed interest in me.
He was really happy when he got to know I wasn’t seeing anyone. We started chatting, and chatting … And chatting. Lol! Seriously, he was a chat worth chatting. I really can’t stop smiling talking about him right now. With him, I can never chat enough. We exchanged phone numbers and started to FaceTime. He requested for a video chat but I wasn’t ready for that at that moment, so we did audio. We talked for over an hour and I liked him already. I wanted to see his face, and match his voice to his facial expressions, so I requested for a video chat. It was a whole new world of ‘man’ with him. Talk of maturity!
“Tell me a little more about yourself. What do you do for a living?” he asked
That question got me thinking. I was actually focusing on why I opted for my kind of job, and what I was getting out of it. Not necessarily the money but the challenge it threw at me almost every day, which I love, and the fact that I get to help people with probable solutions to their problems. The joy in being creative and relatable to my colleagues at work, the opportunity to learn new things, and also about my abilities. Oh, the recognition it gave me professionally was one of the cool things I also talked about.
Alec loves to listen to me talk. He shows me affection even in our long distance conversations. I am that important to him, and he’s made me experience that with his quality time spent staring and smiling at me, sometimes, for no apparent reason. I could and can count on his support and friendship because she’s shown me more than enough of his concern for everything I am concerned about. Not a single day have we talked without him asking about the well-being of my children. He knows their names, their birthdays, he FaceTime with them when they are around me, and a whole lot more.
Two days after our first encounter in June, 2018, on Facebook, he asked me out on a date. I was wondering how that was going to be possible because we were continents apart, but he seemed to have everything already planned. All I had to do was to show up at a specific date and time, at the Movenpick Ambassador Hotel, in Accra, and FaceTime him. That first date, I cannot forget because he made it a memorable one for me. He had paid for the dinner, and I was just to eat anything at all I felt like eating while he watched me on the phone. He was at work then, but had dedicated that hour for us to be on our date, via FaceTime.
He told me a lot about himself and his career, told me about his son, and shared his dreams and aspirations with me. He asked more questions about my field of work, and was excited about my responses to every single one of his questions. He called me intelligent, and was falling for that. He loved the fact that I surpassed him intellectually. When I was done dining, he called my name softly, and said to me, ‘You’re so beautiful’.
He started asking questions about Ghana, and his need to want to visit the country. His need to want to see me and the kids. His need to want to see me. I couldn’t help but to arouse his lovely spirit. He is passionate about me. I am passionate about him. He is considerate of my situation. His compassion levels mine for him. I saw and appreciated this other side of him that led to more and deeper talking about us. Alec is one fabulous gentleman.
He asked why I am divorced and I shared my reasons. The constant cheating and lying about it, the mind games my ex-husband kept playing with me. The disrespect and his constant need to pinpoint my mistakes. The fact that he couldn’t acknowledge his dishonest deeds was too much to bear. Telling lies was part of his everyday life and I did not want to raise my kids around such an unrepentant, arrogant man. I wanted my kids to be better at being a ‘man’. I needed to teach them the how and why. I wanted my daughter to not grow up thinking all men were like her father. I was tired of my kids always seeing me struggling, though they knew they had a father who could have easily supported me, their mother, at home. I wanted to bring an end to my kids always seeing me sad and crying, and unhappy. So I made the choice to file for a divorce.
Alec listened attentively, and then said to me, “Abigail, nobody knows tomorrow, but I can promise this if you would consider marrying me, that I will never cheat on you. I will never lie to you. I will try my best not to hurt your feelings. I will be your helper. I will support you. I will love you and the kids – if only you can believe me.”
He asked for my hand in marriage, two days after our first Facebook encounter, on our first date. To be honest, at that moment, I just wanted him to be my HERO, even for that one hour while. I was happy to know he found me that worth impressing and pleasing. When we set eyes on each other at the Kotoka International Airport, he hugged me and wouldn’t let me go. In his hotel room, he hugged me again, with no sexual undertones. He was crying actually. His affection for me preceded sex, and that was the kind of man I was looking for.
I am getting married on my 40th birthday, in June, 2019, and I am very excited about my decision. Alec looks at me and adores my beauty. His calls my ‘ordinary’ look ‘a work of art.’ He talks me through my problems and I always feel better about it. He has never cut me off. He explores into my feelings with me. I feel heard and understood… Oh, God! Something I hadn’t experienced in my first marriage. Alec knows all my secrets and problems. He’s interested in my life and this has bonded us in a way I still cannot believe. He’s become my closest friend and companion, my lover and boyfriend.
Though I am a career woman, my fiancé expects me to ask him for financial assistance. He wants me and the kids to depend on his salary and provision alone. When he is saying that with a smile and a wink at me, he looks so sexy. I am his priority. My children are his priority. My happiness is his priority. I love the way Alec looks at me. He can gander out of the corner of his eye with a naughty smile, like he’s got a sexy information for just the two of us. And I find the look absolutely, enticing. He is so terrible at jokes, he knows he’s not supposed to be telling any, yet he’s always sharing those dry jokes with me. He ends up cracking up in laughter at his own silly jokes, laughing hysterically. I eventually end up also laughing. Lol!
I love him so dearly.
I spent time trying so hard to make my first marriage work. I wanted to be part of those who did everything in their power to stay married through the bad and the worst. I searched for hope and the peace I so much needed in my life. I knew there had to be a purpose of a sort for all the pain and heartbreak, the tears I cried, day after day. I lost myself because of a man, but I healed with the hope that, ‘everything happens for a reason.’ I am currently living my life as forward-facing as I can. And I am learning so much as I go. There is hope even when divorce seems to be your only option.” – From AY