She’s realized her marriage has changed. Question is, how easy or difficult is it for a spouse to accept a reality and choose whether or not to move on with life? Are you having suspicions of any sort yourself also? Have you taken notice of how he or she looks at people of the same sex in a different way? How does it make you feel? Alone, or ashamed? Do you end up hating on him or her or just get as confused as you also can? – DBM
WH: Hello David. Happy Easter.
David Bondze (DB): Hello! Happy Easter.
WH: How are you?
DB: I am doing alright. How are you doing?
WH: Not all that great.
DB: Oh! Everything alright?
WH: My husband… He is giving me so many reasons to be doubting everything he’s ever said to me. He’s become very secretive and moody
DB: Men will always give you reasons to sometimes, re-think.
WH: So, I’m overreacting?
DB: No. It’s good to be taking notices of everything happening around you.
WH: Hmmm! You might be tired of hearing the ‘my husband is having an affair’ lines.
DB: Is he having an affair?
WH: I believe he is.
DB: What’s your proof?
WH: It’s just an observation.
DB: It will take the two of you to make your marriage. You know yourself. Figure out what you can and cannot live with.
DB: What have you observed?
WH: Ok, so let me start from when I started noticing certain changes.
WH: He was the type that would bath in the mornings and would be lazy about bathing again at night, especially if he had not partaken in any active work or activity: ie, gym, football, basketball, etc. that would make him sweat.
WH: Even on weekends, when he is home watching movies or just being at home, he baths just once.
WH: My husband loves to kiss a lot. He would kiss me for no reason. That had been the man I knew.
DB: What are you driving at with his ‘bathing’ please?
WH: For the past four years, he rushes to the bathroom the moment he gets back home from work. On weekends or holidays, he goes to a spa or so for a massage. He baths before stepping out for these spa treatments. He will rush to take a bath again when he returns home.
WH: His sudden bathing change caught my attention and I initially thought was a good change, however, my intuition wasn’t in alignment.
WH: I have tried to kiss him on a few occasions he’s returned home from work, and he has used one excuse or the other to allow him take a bath first.
DB: Before giving you a kiss? That’s something.
WH: I forced a kiss on him one time and the surrounding of his mouth smelled.
WH: I know my husband’s breath. Another mouth scent had been around his mouth. On two occasions, I have smelled something else stronger.
WH: Like, he had put his mouth on shit or gone to eat ass.
DB: With his mouth? Lol!
WH: Like how most men put their mouths and tongues on the vaginas to work on it.
DB: I get it. What are you suggesting here?
WH: I am not suggesting. I am building on something.
WH: There was another time I tried to force a blowjob on him in the bathroom, after his return from the spa, and he had to fight with me against it – because he claimed he wasn’t in the mood. My husband loves his BJs.
WH: That particular day, I saw elements of white tissue stuck on his penis. I think he had tried cleaning sperms or fluids from an intercourse with a tissue.
DB: What did you do afterwards after seeing that?
WH: Nothing. I needed to be right about my speculations so I did not bother to pick a fight.
WH: In a lot of instances, since four years ago, I have seen fluids stuck inside his boxers. The part of the boxer that covers the ass. Since that first observation in his boxers, I have tried to always run or insert my finger in his anus during sex, and his anus has always been wet with thick/sticky fluids. When I smell the inserted finger after sex, it smells not like the ‘normal’ anus. I have done a similar experiment on myself and it smelled different.
DB: I see.
WH: There is this strong, heavy smell from there whenever I finger my husband without his knowing during sex. It takes hours for the smell to even leave my finger after washing it.
DB: What do you want to say?
WH: My husband is having sex with men. I’ve seen the way he occasionally checks handsome men with great body physiques or asses out – in the corners of his eyes. Sometimes, he would quickly check if I am staring at him. And now, because of that, he chooses to wear shades to prevent me from seeing his moving eyes when we are out together.
DB: Well, you’ve managed to gather enough information to point an accusing finger, but I don’t know if that’s enough to want to tag him.
WH: Do I need to catch him the act before concluding?
DB: You may never catch a man who does not want to be caught in such act.
WH: But do I have a case to sit him down for a confession?
DB: He will never confess to being a bisexual.
WH: I am very scared, Dave. I am not sure I can continue keeping quiet and pretending.
DB: Assuming he is all that you’re claiming, what would you do next if he confesses?
WH: I will divorce him and maintain the mutual friendship and respect between us. We would also co-parent the kids in peace. I just do not want to be in the midst of all this. When I accepted to marry him, I accepted to be with a straight man, not a gay man.
DB: What if he loves you and would not want to let you go, thus, denying who he is or is not?
WH: I love my husband, but this scares me. I can’t be his wife if he’s into other stuffs.
DB: Love is important, but no one should get so caught up in their spouse’s stories that they in the end lose their own story.
WH: I am sad thinking about all this. Why didn’t he tell me he was that when he started making advances at me, six years ago?
DB: Could you have handled this truth?
WH: No. But he should have told me. I didn’t have to find him out.
DB: He might also be ashamed to open up about such a lifestyle.
WH: So, I didn’t have the right to know?
DB: He owed you this truth.
WH: He doesn’t even look gay. That’s what confuses me.
DB: How do gays look like?
WH: I don’t know, feminine?
DB: Well, those are the very obvious guys. But the gay of today, doing everything possible to not look gay, goes to the gym to build on muscles. Some men also would marry women to fit into society’s ideal, and then, would be on the down low with men.
WH: So, how can I tell for sure that my husband is or not?
DB: Just ask him.
WH: How do I ask?
DB: Ask him whether or not he finds other men attractive. Ask him if he’s had any form of sexual intercourse with a man before.
WH: Will a man be that honest in his response?
DB: A man who genuinely loves and respects you and your feelings would be honest about things like these. Some would tell you the truth without a blink. Others too wouldn’t deny or affirm it. But the gay doing everything not to look gay in your eyes would overly deny and even make unnecessary arguments about it, and your personality. They would turn everything on you and attack you someway, somehow. Straight men let things slide after a few hours in the day. Gay men hold grudges and wouldn’t let such a confrontation go for days.
DB: Also, you can easily identify some of them by the way they stand. Look at a full picture of your husband and see if he stands straight.
DB: There is always a slight feminine, curvy pose in an obvious gay man’s picture. Even the muscled ones, there is always that feminine glitch either in the curving of their arms or open legs. There would always be that feminine curve in their full poses in pictures. Some too, you can easily see from the way they cross their legs when they sit. Or, in their choice of fashion. But these are just the obvious ones trying so hard not to look it. Others, you just wouldn’t see. They look man enough.
DB: Ask him tonight if he’s gay, and listen to his non-verbal cues, not his verbal ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
WH: Thank you.
DB: I’d also advise you get checked as soon as possible for any sexually transmitted diseases, whether or not your husband admits to any sexual infidelity. Most men are promiscuous, whether or not they are gay.