A part of me

Her husband loved the challenge. She was a complicated idea to fathom, an idea most men would have easily dropped by the roadside. But not her husband. He was willing to go that far for her, to know all there was to know about her… She was that secret he was dying to discover. That mysterious character of a woman he had fallen in love with, and wanted to divulge her thoughts, her feelings and desires. He felt challenged to draw something out of her to get her focused solely on him. – DBM


“I was dating four men when I was 28 years old. They all were into me, called me their ‘girlfriend’, and were willing to do almost anything for me. I was having sex with just the two out of the four that I really, really liked. I was young, and single, and did not want to make a mistake in settling with the wrong choice, so I managed these four guys so well. I made time for all of them, watched my back every time in order not to mess things up with any of them. I wasn’t a commitment-phobe, I wanted something true, and stable, with the right man. And for some strange reason, I loved all four guys. I was in love with the two I was having sex with at that time.

Why was I dating four at a go? I wanted to know the different shades of men there was to men. I had always been a bad judge of character and wanted to get it right this time. My choice of a man was usually the very calm, nice gentle-speaking type. I had never really gone out of my way to date the exciting, boisterous kind before. So I made sure to accept the interest of one of a kind in my love life. In fact, he was the second guy I was having sex with. And I loved everything about him, the sex, his sense of humor, and his care for me; everything seemed right with him – and I had fallen in love with him. The other guy I was in love with was in my ‘usual’ kind category: a real gentleman with all the traits I was comfortable with.

The two I loved but wasn’t sleeping with, excited me too, but in a different way. I was super attracted to them, and I felt I was attracted to who I was, the very kinds I needed in my life. Thus, it did not come as a surprise to me at all when I finally made my decision to accept one of those two’s marriage proposal.

I was very careful with every word coming out of my mouth, anytime I went on a date with any of the four. They did not know they were four in number. I tried my best not to let them feel insecure or doubt my commitments to them. I showed up on all my dates with all of them. However, I planned things in such a way that, none of the dates coincided with another. Every guy got all of my attention and time and love and respect. I connected with each guy on an individual basis. I was present to them, on their and my time.

They got to know the real me. I gave each that opportunity to know me. Then my husband asked the one question I was hoping none of the guys would. He wanted to know whether there were others I was seeing. I told him the truth, and he just smiled. I asked him if I had given him any reason to doubt my commitment to him, but he said no. He just felt like asking. He then asked whether I was having sex with the other person I was seeing, since I wasn’t having sex with him. I told him the truth again, and he thanked me for being honest with him. I wasn’t expecting him to get in touch with me again after that date, but he did. He kept checking on me, and taking me out on dates. Sometimes, he would call while I was with the others, and I could be bold on phone to tell him, “I am on a date with my boyfriend”. And he would tell me to have fun, but also would make me promise him an exciting time out with him – when it was his turn. Why he was tolerating me, I did not know, but for some reason, I could be honest with him.

I was looking for something in a man, thus, dating a number of them. And though I knew what I was looking for, I did not really know what I was looking for. All I knew was, I was looking for something in someone; someone who wouldn’t be just kind and nice to me, but could end up not being the right man for me, etc. That kind of feeling. I really felt bad at times, sleeping with four men and thinking I liked them all or whatever. I did not know what I was doing, though I knew. But I dated these guys for two years till I got pregnant.

Prior to the pregnancy, I had ended up sleeping with all four. It was all my choice. I felt I needed to connect with the other two, intimately also, in order to be fair. I put myself out there to experience the different kinds of relationships there was to men, for me, and I learnt all the lessons I needed to learn, for me.

I don’t know whether to fast forward to where my husband asked me to marry him, or I should just keep typing my story?

I was really tired of being single. I was tired of being alone and constantly drawing emotionally unavailable men. I knew there was someone special out there, somewhere, for me and I felt dating more than one man could help me understand myself, and also, know what I wanted in a man. This strategy helped me stop talking myself out of what could be possible for me. One of the guys was super handsome. One was super rich. Another was super intelligent and smart. And the last one, was very religious and well mannered.

I got pregnant and did not know which of the four was responsible. A mistake I will never encourage anyone to repeat. Having unprotected sex was a no-no for me. I used protection with all four. I ensured they wore their condoms, always. How I got pregnant, I still do not know, but I got pregnant, and needed to come clean. So, I informed all four men about the pregnancy. The rich guy wanted me to abort it because he felt we weren’t ready to be parents yet. I wanted to be a mother, but of course, he had to do my thinking for me, by assuming what was best for me. He gave me an amount of money to get rid of the pregnancy.

Religious guy didn’t feel it was right for us to get married while pregnant, and especially, him being an Elder of his church. He also suggested abortion, with a promise to marry me after getting rid of it. He loved me, I knew it. I loved him too, and could understand his concerns to a point. The handsome guy gave me options to abort or keep the pregnancy, regardless, he was going to be there for us. His only ‘little’ problem was, I wasn’t the only woman he was seeing and sleeping with. He was very honest with me. He loved me, but loved somebody else… And he needed me to understand him. I understood him.

My husband, on the other hand just asked me to inform my parents about his official visit to them to introduce himself as ‘my man’ – when I told him I was pregnant, and that, the pregnancy could be his. He knew I wasn’t sure which of the four could be responsible, and he understood. My husband never set off to find flaws in me when I told him there were others I was seeing. He never looked at anything in me from a negative perspective, rather, he consciously appreciated my positives. He enjoyed me for who I am and was to him. He did draw my attention to areas of my life that bothered him, but he gave me and our relationship, a chance.

What I loved about my husband was and is his confidence. He’s just it. He trusted his decision to want to be with me. He believed in his choice of me. I asked the ‘why me’ question, and he told me his inner voice approved of me. He also said, I projected what he found attractive, and that drew him closer to want to familiarize himself more with me. We agreed on me ending things with the other three, for me to focus on only him, which I gladly did. I couldn’t deny my love for him. I did love him, very much, and he showed me love like never before – when I got pregnant. I knew the child wasn’t his. I couldn’t be sure but I wasn’t hoping on it. He wasn’t either. He just loved the thought of having me to himself, to know me more, spend more time with me and my baby.

He performed the traditional marriage rite three months after the pregnancy news. He blessed our marriage in church – after giving birth to the baby girl. It’s been 10 amazing years and two kids later, and my husband still goes out on a date with me, once every week. You should see him with me when we are out on our dates (without any kids), lol! His eyes are always on me. He gives me so much attention, I sometimes get tired of it. It’s like, he’s always able to boost his own ego just to bring out the fun in me to arouse the fun in him. He is drawn towards me every day, and I’m surprised at all this, because I don’t do anything special to get his attention.

He provides for my every need and that of the kids. He is excellent at what he does. I love the way he connects with our kids. He can’t seem to have enough of them. He’s very hardworking, busy at work, busy at home (helping me with house chores and managing of the children). If fact, he’s ensured I am not burdened by the raising of our three kids. My husband is there for me. He helps me with our children. He takes them to school, takes them back home from school, sometimes, even picks me up from work – for the five of us to all ride in his car to the house. He goes to the market with me on weekends to buy for the house.

I see the beauty of Jesus in my husband. And I think that is what I am always finding so attractive about him. He’s different. That’s all I can say. Oh, and I dress for him at home. Maybe, that’s why his eyes are always on me. The lingerie’s at night is what he seems to be looking forward to, after his long days at work. I relax the memories of my husband with a lot to window shop in bed. I flirt with my husband, every day.  Don’t get me wrong, we have a lot going on in our personal and marital lives to be keeping us busy, and not always drawing each other’s attention. However, with flirting, lol, we get to smile at the thought of each other. I always love his voice notes when I am at work. And my responses to him via texts – are always the bomb.

He gives me the best of him. I try to do same. But when I see him seated in a chair, thinking about me, our children, our family and our marriage… I begin to worry about him too. I don’t know why.” – From RJ

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